I should have done this eon ago. I know I should. Sigh, took me so long. But it’s so hard. So bloody damn hard. I find myself keep asking the same questions for the past nearly 2yrs or so. How much longer am I gonna postpone this? How much longer do I have to live with this heavy baggage? How long can I endure and tolerate, pretending to ignore all this anymore? Am I really ready to move on?

I feel I need to. It’s no longer a want but much of a need now. I just couldn’t get it why at some time I cant seems to shake the feeling n thoughts that I’m still living under his shadows. Am I still in self-denial mode? [Note to self : high time to snap outta it!] Its time I should to put everything back to the right place – after so long!

Well, my luck in love has never been up anyway. Guess I’m jinxed when it comes to romance. Never had any wonderful relationships to boast abt. No drop dead gorgeous hunk ala-ala Wentworth Miller as my ex’s or to ask me out. Neither do I have any rhip which last longer than 6mths. Never really knew how does it feel like to be genuinely romantically be loved by someone. To feel really treasured, cherished and etc.

All this while, I’ve gone thru shits. Pure shits. Went out with a num of guys who were jerks, jackasses to begin with. Some of which who expect me to pander at their whims and according to their wishes. Didn’t realise that when you’re in an rship, u‘re automatically turned to a puppet manipulate by others?

All along I’m only going round and round in circles until ... I thought I had found my light. But it turns out to be so wrong. It was a mistake from the very beginning. To think that I actually thought, this is it! This is what I’ve been waiting for. Boy, wasn’t I naive? Hah! Never really put my heart and soul as in like 100% in a rship, for I know or shall I say I’m able to foresee that it’s me who’s gonna get burned at the end of it..

My last not-s0-recent one, I actually wanna give it a shot to make it work. I was ready to pump everything in and give my very best. Only to find out at the very climax moments, everything just came crumbling down. All because of a damn lame reason. Well, maybe he’s just taking the chance to dump me. Since the situation is already such, obviously he’s making full use of it. Needless to say, the rest is history.

I don’t blame him if he chose to ditch me because of some other reasonable reason(s). Like, I mean, I know I’m not the gf-material that guys wanna bring home to meet mom and pop. With my moments-of-impulse tats and etc, need I actually say more? Wouldn't it be amazing if all parents in the world were to be like mine? Okok I know reality check.

C’mon man, get real! If I were a mum myself, naturally I would want the very best for my child. It’ll definitely be lying thru my teeth if I were to say I’ll happily be receiving with open arms when my child brings back a bf/gf whose body is heavily body-art-ed, having numerous piercings, donning eccentric fashion sense and hairstyles.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m neither stereotyping nor discriminating those with tats nor do I have anything against it. I’m awed by them. Have a thing for tats actually. Simply amazed by it. To the extent that I actually have a few even thou knowingly my religion forbids it. Ditto for piercing. Well everyone makes mistakes right? Failure after all is the best Teacher and motivational factor. Ok I’m digressing here ain’t I? Back to topic.

It’s still kinda hard to let go, but deep down I know I have to. Otherwise I’m only hurting myself more and more. Such deep impact he left on me, didn’t really expected it. Thought I was able to pick up from where I left before knowing him, but sadly. How we started and ended was 1 real drama-rama soapy episode.

He came by when I had just split from this guy. Let’s call him A, all right? He so happen to be A’s friend. Maybe they had planned this all along. When I split with A, it wasn’t really in a nice way. So I assume it’s only natural for A to pay me back in my own coins. I should have actually seen this coming.

Everything just went by sorta smoothly, in my eye that is. All was so perfect, or so I thought. Up to date, I can still vividly recall how he would tell me I’m fucking special to him. Too special that he couldn’t fathom why. How I motivate his days to pass by. How I make his day less sufferable. How with my words, I kept him going. How I made him smile when he’s down. How he would tell me he adores me. How he affectionately call me darl, syg, dear and what other endearments.

I could go on forever man! Do those words are only mere word without meaning to him? Maybe those are just some of his sugary honey-coated words. I should have known better rather than to believe him blindly. He promised me heaven but put me thru hell. So sweet and yet so callous so as to leave me hanging. Seriously, what the hell were I thinking back then man?!

I feel I’m ready to let go. Wounds are still very raw n fresh even thou its nearly 2yrs when I looked back now. Nowadays when I think of him, it no longer hurt as bad as how it used to be. I feel I should close this and move on rather than keep lamenting on it. Hurt is 1 thing, closure is another. Nothing’s happening even if I still cling on the past. So why harp on it? For he already found his. At this present moment, I wish for the best for him. Being a magnanimous person is so much better than a bitter revengeful one.

I no longer wish to meddle in e ‘L’ field. So not interested to search for e one anymore right now. If it comes, it comes. If it doesn’t, well, so be it then! I’m not hard up for yet another round heart-wreck.

Having typed all these, I genuinely thank every single 1 of my past for leaving me. As for every heartbreak I went thru, it makes me stronger as a matter of fact.

Namely the guy whom I’m talking abt in this post for giving me the chance the chance to live in my own illusion. For making me realise thru the hard way that me and romance just doesn’t goes in sync together. For letting me have such an experience. For making me understand that all this while I’m going thru a tunnel with no ending point.

Have embraced the fact that I’m not cut out for the L field.

*Finally i muster 'nuff courage to post this up in my blog. it took lotsa tries/courage to type this whole damn thing but im glad the episode is over me now. a closure at last. i feel as if a heavy burden which has been pulling me down for the past yrs have been lifted off now.*