Thursday, September 11, 2008
The feelings have kinda mellow down abit now. And honest to god, i DONT like that!
i still wanna live in the fantasy can? i wanna wallow in my own self despair, even when i know its not gonna be fruitful at all.I still get the jitters, or butterflies in e stomach during certain hours of the day like when im expecting him. My heart still do the jumping jets, and flip-abouts. When he is in front if me, be it weather we exchanged pleasantries or not, just his presence alone is enuff to send my adrenaline rushing all the way up to e brain. I swear to god, i cud have gotten brain freeze if i hadnt had it all under control.
Now, i find it exceptionally hard to look and talk to him in the eye or face. Damn exceptionally hard, really! Cause evrytime, when i look him straight on, like it or not or intentionally or not, my mind will be auto reminded that he already hv someone else. I cudnt help thinking that she may be waiting for him patiently while he work his arse off now so that someday when his finance is finally stable, he is sure gonna ask for her hand.
Now, i find it exceptionally hard to look and talk to him in the eye or face. Damn exceptionally hard, really! Cause evrytime, when i look him straight on, like it or not or intentionally or not, my mind will be auto reminded that he already hv someone else. I cudnt help thinking that she may be waiting for him patiently while he work his arse off now so that someday when his finance is finally stable, he is sure gonna ask for her hand.
i know i am reading too much, way too much into this. I cudnt help it, u noe. U pple feel me? I doubt u will. Its damn hard to put into words.
As i've mentioned in my earlier post, i still AM very much madly, crazily having the hots for him.
It is still as very overwhelming as how it use to be. Evn tho it kinda hurts to know that he already had a gf. Kinda? Heck! who e hell am i kidding?! It bloody sodding HURT ALOT. ALOT OKE?! And despite knowing that, i still held out a tiny glimpse of hope that e info or hearsay ive heard abt him hvg a gf is baseless.
Then again, even if its baseless, what will eventually come out of it? Nothing, none, ZILCH.
Not as if im gonna announce to him that i have e hots for him or vice versa - (in my dreams eh, perhaps?)
Not as if im gonna announce to him that i have e hots for him or vice versa - (in my dreams eh, perhaps?)
I dun have the courage to ask him anything in regards to his BGR life, for i fear that someday when he knew that ive been carrying a torch for him, things will be awkward btwn us. I mean afterall, i still have to meet / see him on a daily basis, u know?
Talking abt which, i think one of the major contributing factor on why my feelings are SO overwhelming is because i see him on a daily basis! Yes, thats why! Pple say absence makes the heart grows fonder, i must say in my case, it is the total opposite oke!
Sometimes i think, the reason of me not questioning his BGR life was because im scared to be dissapointed. Granted with those looks, im so sure there are dozens of girls apart from me, who will go gaga over him.
Then again, sometimes i tell myself to STOP acting like a lovelorn teen. I am already way past beyond my teen age. Again, i must say, stuffs like this are pretty hard to say. There's no telling abt love and all. It just comes n bite u in the ass.
