For the record, i am MAD, MAD super-duper offended, upset, dissapointed, bitter, angry, pissed over this whole matter oke. Multiple mixed emotions all at one time. To the extend that i cudnt supressed it any longer, i wailed like a small kid. I was weeping real bad - tersedu2 la oke.! Tears were flowing non-stop like a waterfall. I lost it all. I can no longer kept my cool n withstand it. It gotten so bad that i was literally shaking. To those that saw me during that time, u witnessed it yourself how badly i took it. I cried very bitterly. Surprise-surprise isnt it?? I dont undastand, why after pple treat me so shabbily in this way, i still can bawled over it. I was extremely sad, hurt, agitated and all torn up. Not to mention the anger n the stab-in-the-back i felt. I was even ready to commit murder, i tell ya.

English have this famous idiom : - Never bite the hand that feeds.
Or in old malay classic saying : - Jngn jady mcm kacang lupakan kulit.
I believe, this two saying is adequate enough to let known what my topic here is, isnt it? Its proportionate to me telling you what the real deal is.

I know that all of you are one way or another against me being with Baobei. U pple have the thinking that eversince im w Baobei, i had gone from bad to worst. Hopeless n beyond redemption right ? He had influenced me to do/try many negative things. Things that i always wanted to do, but was refrained by you peeps. I know you guys arent happy that im with him. U pple thinks dat he was e cause of me becoming a J----E.

To each his/her own. Its my own individual self. I wasnt held at gun-point to do or try it. All of it, was entirely out of my willingness. Its purely, solely n only me who wanted it. There's no coercing or intimidating involved.

Even at the chalet, the one where we celeb my bday, we do it cause we wanted it. There wasnt any forcing done. Maybe we could hv brainwashed, psycho or persuade one another but still at the end of the day, only u holds the final decision. U determine whats best n what u ultimately one.

Im not gonna start naming names here. Its gonna be real ugly if names were to be mentioned. Pple might say im accusing them. But deep dwn, i know who hv the final say n who runs the show. I know whose words carry the most weight. I know who are being obligated to follow along cause they hv no choice but to follow blindly cause u hv to take care of so and so feelings. If that , what YOU consider as others respecting YOU, then i seriously PITY u. That is not respect, sweetheart. That is u forcing others to follow what u deem is best. To heed yr advice irrefutably, with no questions asked. That is you making decision for others. Something which they are capable of doing on their own. Their mum send them to school, paid hefty sch fees n the fact that they were born with brains, werent for nothing, you know..

To further aggravate matters, the reason given was very unreasonable. Stop using others as an excuse or a scapegoat. Doesn't mean, someone is available to take e rap, u guys could happily push everything to him. That is very unfair to the one whom u pple blame. For fark sake, im freakin 22.! I am able to see/think n differentiate for my own. Whatever reason u come up with, that is just solely only yr part. Your own thinking n assumption. Unless u peeps cast a vote together, then it will be valid. Otherwise, its null. VOID. U obviously dont hold others in regards. To you, yr word is marked as final. It doesnt go that way, hun. U gotta remember, its not affectin only you but also others. Other's frenship/rship ties with the 'victim' suffered. It cud even be severed. Do u really want that to happen ? Bcos of ur decision, all the others becomes yr victim. Dont u tink u are despicable n cruel ? I think i wudnt be able to face myself if this were to happen to me. I would like to sleep peacefully every night and not with a guilty conscience.

What i cannot take lyin down is that : - it hv alr been pre-decided that i am to be excluded out in the big MAJOR plans of theirs. Meaning to say, frm e beginning, decision alr has been fixed dat i am not be asked along. Am i rite to say dat ? i was thinking, since both events do not clash. Neither in timing nor location. So wat cud be the reason of dem not inviting ? As a matter if fact, its one after the other. At the end of the day, I've concluded that actually it all boils down to yr willingness n sincerity of asking/inviting. The fact dat u dont, dats apparent how u alr cross me outta ur life, 'nuff said.

And know what the best part is.... Baobei n me were contemplating on gg the same plc dat very same nite. Co-incidence or whatt ?? We were alr dressed for the part. Just imagine, if we were to bump into one another. Unexpectedly turning up uninvited would surely create alot of awkwardness. But it will not lead to a cat-fight, rest assured. Cause i dun stoop to the level of being involved in a public fite, whr countless eyeballs are on us n we becoming the century-butt of joke for evryone. We are FAR beyond dat oke. We hv etiquette, manners, face, pride n class, baby. We dont humiliate ourselves.

So pples... My humble suggestion : - Pls stand infront of a full-length mirror, and ask yrself :
what and who hv u disregard/forsake/desert n walk out on?
Sit n ponder about it. The severe, exceeding change in you is very abrupt.

I may not hv the time to go out w u peeps like before, i maybe spending less time w u guys, i may not be as active in smsin u guys or hv convos like how we used to. But one thing for certain, i absolutely did not shun nor cease cntctin all with sudden impact.

When i smsed, u peeps never replied. I try talkin to you like how i always do, u react like im invisible. I still do share my joys/troubles/worries w u peeps. But u guys reacted like u dun wanna gimme e time of e day.

I guess, u guys must hv find me a bore n troubling u all e time w e same old shit, thus that reaction w me. So i mellowed down. I dun wanna be a irritating/annoying pest that caused pple to develop hatred for me. I dun wish to be hated upon. So i figure, its best that i go my own way. Since evryone is pretty much happy n occupied with their own ongoings, then i too seek solace in my own.

I felt alienated, cast-out and bastardised. It hurts much much more den just a stab in the back. But what really spheres thru my heart n hurt like a total son-of-a-bitch was : - i really, honest to god didnt expect this to be coming from you. I mean, out of all the others, out of so many of them.. and yet YOU ? You of all person.. Its very very extremely sad n unexpected. It really left my mouth hanging, gasping in disbelief. I am in shock n was dumbfounded. I cudnt fathom out why was i left out. Wat was e reason i wasnt bein asked along? Intentionally or not, u guys hv collaborated w each other behind my back. And that sucks a great GREAT deal when i gotta noe abt this. Being left out in the loop, felt like you are a outcast, castaway, deportee is not a nice feeling, u noe. Not to mentioned the BETRAYAL feeling dat i have.

The years dat we grew up together.. were they all for nothing? dont they count for anything? not even a glimpse of any flashbacks? Someone that u share weal/woe together, no ? Someone whom once said, she got my back.. Someone who was always der for me back den ? Someone who i know i cud count on if anything happens? Someone who i can fall upon when all else fails. Someone dat never fails to make me smile/laff when i came to her crying my harts out. Someone who always offers words of encouragement/advices when i am in dire need of them.

The unspoken tight bond dat i tot we have? Are they just only meant for show?They dont mean a thing to u at all ? Are they only empty words to make me feel betta? The hardship/good/happy times we shared, i guess its not of any insignificance to you. I figure its just as worthless as a piece of used tissue paper. One which u throw scantily when u get a new one. Am i only someone u need when u hv use for me ? And when u hv no use for me, u cast me aside like a worn-out doll? Am i only someone who u look for when u hv troubles that i can help to settle? Am i only being there solely for your own gain? Im there only for your own advantage? Only When the need for me arises?

I must hv been nothing bigger den a green bean in your eyes. Someone that you wudnt even glance at.

Matter may alr been weeks over. But Aini is still very much scorned over it. Im still harpin on it, that explains dis long entry. I still am not able to let go. It still hurts n pierce thru me evrytime i tok abt it. I still am taking heart n offence over this. And im not buldging.

So be it, if u wanna say im sensitive. I am sensitive n emotional, like this. U dun experience the hurt/betrayal/sadness i felt. U pple cant never imagine or fathom how i felt when i first got to noe abt this. It pricks/pierce/spheres thru my heart a gazillion times knowing that u are behind all this. As i type this long entry, it still very much pained me. But i hv to voice/penned all this out otherwise its ripping me inside. Yes, i am taking it this bad.

And abt Baobei, FYI... he's never the one who tempted/psycho/brainwashed/pushed me to do it. Infact, on the other hand, he tried stopping me evrytime i raised the topic. So for the sake of being fair n just, i believe its ony fair if u leave him outta dis.
He never was the cause or the reason for anything.

If u peeps feel u got probs w me n him being together, GET REAL n deal w me/us personally.
And for those that dont like my Baobei, well.. den its too bad. We wud appreciate if you cud keep the comments to yrself. Have the courtesy of takin other's feelings into consideration.

And for the record, even when i dont like someone or someone's attitute/character, i dun voice out openly to the public n let it known amongst us. i still do hv some basic coutest n some slight consideration.

And to YOU(u noe who u are), i miss you. REALLY. I miss the old you. Can i have the old you bck? I GENUINELY, HONESTLY MISS YOU TRUCKLOADS.

You seems so near but yet so far. U are within arm's reach n eyesight, but i can never seems to reach across to you. I can never be able to get to you. I see you, but i no longer see e gerl dat i once knew. Feels like i know nothing about u now. The same person but yet with a totally different attitute/character/personality. What hppn to the original n real you huh? My gut feeling says dat, Its like u are shutting urself off n cuttin urself clean frm me. Is that really the case? Like something is kinda holding u back frm being close to me like before. If it is so, why are u lettin others dictate all ovr u???