Sunday, April 18, 2010
Conclusion
For some weird unknown reason, when i tried viewing my blog, i cudnt read a single thing!
As i expected, my previous layout cocked-up. After so long of using it, now, i dunnoe for wat reason it decide to go all blank, transparent on me. My guess is that, someone remove the background at the hosting site.
So here i am, with a new layout.. I spent muthafarking HOURS searching and editing it. Editing layouts is real hard work. I take my hats off to those who diligently do these layouts for us.
Anws, i wanted to find something that's very akin to my previous one, and this is the closest i can get. The last layout was so clear-cut, no fuss, no navigations, pop-ups or whatsoever shit. But well, when things gotta go, it just gotta go. So im making do with what i have here.
As i expected, my previous layout cocked-up. After so long of using it, now, i dunnoe for wat reason it decide to go all blank, transparent on me. My guess is that, someone remove the background at the hosting site.
So here i am, with a new layout.. I spent muthafarking HOURS searching and editing it. Editing layouts is real hard work. I take my hats off to those who diligently do these layouts for us.
Anws, i wanted to find something that's very akin to my previous one, and this is the closest i can get. The last layout was so clear-cut, no fuss, no navigations, pop-ups or whatsoever shit. But well, when things gotta go, it just gotta go. So im making do with what i have here.
The past one week or so has been helluva tumultuous roller coaster ride for me.
My emotions took a nasty HUGE turbulent GIGANTIC dive.
My emotions took a nasty HUGE turbulent GIGANTIC dive.
Things really took me off-hand. I wasnt prepared for this to come AT ALL. I mean, yes i kinda know whats e ending gonna be like.. But this is very unexpected. No triggering factor or etc. It totally came wout warning. And ofcourse, i find it hard to accept.
the M-I-A game. thats how it started. Calls / smses were in vain. the SUDDEN lost. Way too sudden. it hit me real hard. i was hurt emotionally. Deeply, extremely hurt that is. i dont understand why he had to take this drastic action. We already talked abt this. We already came to a mutual agreement that we will end this amicably, if its not working out. Definitely not in this manner or way. But he did not live up to his words. So now, im left to pick up ths pieces.
I refused to let it go just like that, so i demand to know / seek our status quo. Its very apparent that he's avoiding me. And i can sense that he's distancing himself from me. I just dun understand what or why make him do this. I mean, if he alr have some other back-ups or other sidelines, the changes are gradually over time isnt it?
After coming this far with him, during that one week, my instincts told me that his heart is no longer with me. And 90% of the time, my gut feeling is spot-on. When special pple close to ur heart hv a change of heart, trust me, u will know. U dont need him to prove it by his actions or etc. U just know. When that happens, it leaves u with no other options. U gotta let go. No doubt its gonna hurt like a total son of a bitch, but if i were to keep him with me, i will only hv him physically. And that is not good. Its not healthy. Im forcing.
So why make matters much more worst and hurtful for all of us.? It is already hurting now. Since i dont hv any say, i just hv to follow the flow. U noe the saying, let Nature takes its own course. This is what it is. It is god-damn INTENSELY very hard n painful for me. Then again, i dont hv much of a choice, do i? Its no longer a issue of fighting for what u want or who u love anymore. U are in a situation where whatever u say / do will be futile. u cannot do anything anymore, except to just, come to terms with it.
So after i sorta forced myself to resign to fate n accepting it slowly, the unexpected happen. he came back, had some mini explainations. I honest to god couldnt fathom out what he want. Told him that we gotta talk. i let it all out, told him what i felt, my decision, the conclusion after all this, told him what's my take n my stand on this. Suprisingly, he agreed n accede to my request. I find it very very unbelievable n shocking. But i told myself, this is all for the better. Sooner or later, we know it will end up like this. So its better now then later. i refused to bow down, cos i feel there's no triggering factor to this but i just gotta learn to take it in my stride.
Days passed but we still maintained contact. Still rang me up, talked abit. Exchanged smses n etc.. But we both knew, unlike other times in our previous arguments or near-separation, this time, this is for real. Me, being the emotional one cried n cried n cried non-stop for days. Every little thing brought tears to my eyes.
Even a slight sentence that he used to said to me or tell me is enuff to set my taps running. Just the usual ringtone will make me have tears running dwn my cheeks. Lost count of the num of times i broke down in front of fellow colleagues. Male fellow colleagues that i nvr opened up or shared anything with. Crying myself to sleep at nite. Typing msgs when i feel like smsin him but end up, saving it all in my drafts. i have no focus, no concentration at all. My work is greatly affected. i am enormously disturbed.
Even a slight sentence that he used to said to me or tell me is enuff to set my taps running. Just the usual ringtone will make me have tears running dwn my cheeks. Lost count of the num of times i broke down in front of fellow colleagues. Male fellow colleagues that i nvr opened up or shared anything with. Crying myself to sleep at nite. Typing msgs when i feel like smsin him but end up, saving it all in my drafts. i have no focus, no concentration at all. My work is greatly affected. i am enormously disturbed.
I totally lost it. But thats pretty normal for me, if u ask me or any other close ones. I dont deal w separation easily. I am never good at it. Instead, i only ace big-time in developing bonds competently. :)
Suprisingly much to my amazement, i get thru it. Ofcourse, Not totally just gone, POOF! like dat. i managed to deal with it, come to terms with it n learn to live with it. Countless & numerous days of sobbing / pining / hoping for him... after the "no-idea-which-day", i began to comply and acknowledge the harsh fact. If it used to be bawling daily, now its down to 3days once.. And that's a commendable improvement tau! In addition to the sadness n devastation that i felt, i still am very much hurt. Feeling redundant, its just that i chose to willingly with open heart live with it.
So... during one of the days, shockingly, he asked me this scarce utmost forbidden question. A topic which im so convinced, that no matter under what circumstances, he will not divulge. Come what may, i am absolutely certain that this is one issue that he will bring into his grave. i am so DEAD assured, that he will never talk to me abt this topic..
If touching on the topic already screams OFF - LIMITS... getting him to confess to me ??
Heck, evidently thats a definite NO - NO. No way, no go sista!
That will never happen... not even in my dreams.
the tot of him admitting to me, didnt even occur to me at all.
Heck, evidently thats a definite NO - NO. No way, no go sista!
That will never happen... not even in my dreams.
the tot of him admitting to me, didnt even occur to me at all.
But surprise-surprise ! He did exactly just that.!
That biskot mary confessed n owned up to everything.
That biskot mary confessed n owned up to everything.
Boy, is this guy a shocker or what ?! always doing the unexpected. !
So since we are already in the post-separation stage, i decide to come clean n tell him every single thing that i knew. Everything that i hv been withholding n keeping from him since day one. Things which i alr knew all along, right frm the beginning. I dont wanna hold back anything , anymore. Afterall, i felt that things btwn us was already beyond hope, can no longer be salvage. So might as well i let it all out, get it over n done with. Rather then keeping mum n bottling it all inside, till forever he will never come to know abt this. This can also be considered as me taking preventive measures to avoid harbouring any possible regrets in the future. So thats killing 2 birds with one stone.!
Unexpectedly, AGAIN, much to my surprise...things took a major turn. I dunnoe if its for the better or for the worst. It seems to be able to go both ways.. i guess it depends on how u see it. Its a total far cry from what i expected or foresee.
But after his confessions n my "baring-of-the-soul," Yours Truly made a huge sacrifice ...
So huge, that he chided me for being silly n stupid.
So huge, that he chided me for being silly n stupid.
Well, lets just put it this way.., my love for him surpassed all other emotions that i have. The love i nursed for him exceeds my own limitations. It runs wayy toooo deep, to the extend that i disregard n push myself aside for his sake. Honestly, even i am taken aback by this action.
Anws, im not gonna talk abt the forbidden ques or his confessions in this entry. I feel this is already long enuff to suffice. I gotta make my blog interesting n enticing, so that i will hv a constant pool of readers that keep coming back to carry on reading. Hahha!
They say, time will heal all wounds. No doubt abt that. But the scar will remain forever. It is already part of u. Everywhere u go, it will always be with u. And that serves as a warning, a reminder and a deterrent for the next one.
Somehow.. this time round, i have a very strong gut feeling that its gonna take longer then ever for this wound to heal up.
Somehow.. this time round, i have a very strong gut feeling that its gonna take longer then ever for this wound to heal up.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
lost - confused
First thing first, my mobile LCD is cracked!
But thnk god, the screen is still ok. One can look n tell that it's crack. It's obvious like that. Fortunately, there's no defectsyet
Months had passed.. Several months infact.
Had battled and still battling over frequent quarrels / fights / arguments daily.
I braved thru multiple obstacles.
Hurricanes of hurdles, we had stormed thru
Overcoming countless difficulties.
Bucketfuls of tears, that we shed - or rather ME, most of the time.
Talks / conversations that we had debated.
Hurling multiple harsh damaging words / names / profanities to one another.
Numerous topics had we unraveled.
The dreadful topics, those much-avoided subject, we are over n done with.
We had and are exploring possibilities.
Contaminated psychological mind-games, we defeated.
Mistakes that we done, and may have overlooked.
Sacrifices we had made, be it big or small.
Giving in when it's called for - even involuntarily at times..
Forgiving when the need arises - eventhou it seems hard to close one eye.
Motivating when we need each other's back.
Relyin on one another when the occasion calls for it.
Jealousy that lead us to nothing productive.
Anger that we caused/target to each other.
Sadness that we bring about to each other.
Happiness that we shared/created.
Anxiety that we caused each party.
Care & concern which we showered one another.
My strong brick wall of barricade that u break through.
My fears and worries which u took away.
My doubts that u clarify.
My "tiredness" which u transform to something positive.
Fond memories, which i hold on dearly.
Sweet, silly small acts that touched me tenderly.
Adoring words that are affectionate to me.
All of this .. where does it led me / you ? Us...?
Will it have a destination ?
What is in store ? What is at e end of the tunnel ?
Will there be a light shining at the end ?
Where is the end ? When is the end ? What is the end ?
Is this all worthwhile ?
Worth to stick it thru e end ?
Sometimes, i find im contradicting myself.
I said A, but i want B.
I do C, but i want D.
I guess, i am uncertain of what i want.
Its either i dont understand myself, or i dont understand u.
Im lying if i said, im not tired of all this.
Honestly speaking, i am DEAD exhausted.
Truth be told, I wanna throw in the towel n give up.
Someone told me... i like to take the easy n shortest way out. I gv up easily.
I dont bother to tackle e problem n all other shits.
But he dont realize, he plays a major part of why im reacting like such.
He fails to see that he's partly to blame for the action im taking.
In some occasions, wout him realizing, he himself caused the decision im making.
i try my utmost best not to blame him.
Cause like any others, including me, no less.. we sometimes fail to look at ourselves first. Its a habit to point the blame to the opposite party.
And when i opt out, I dont give up bcos i lost my fighting spirit n strength, but rather its bcos sometimes i feel, there's no point to carry on. I CHOSE to give up, coz i feel there's no more meaning to it. So since it no longer matters anymore, why bother holding on ?
However, more often then not, something abt him/us makes me wanna keep on trying.
Makes me wanna push myself.. jolt myself to keep it going.
Time n again, u never fail to bring me back when i voiced out to let go.
And each time, u succeed in bringing me back n making me stay.
At the end of evrything, i can only blame myself.
I wanted this. I chose this.
So i gotta take e good n e bad.
I only hv myself to blame for my predicament.
But thnk god, the screen is still ok. One can look n tell that it's crack. It's obvious like that. Fortunately, there's no defects
Months had passed.. Several months infact.
Had battled and still battling over frequent quarrels / fights / arguments daily.
I braved thru multiple obstacles.
Hurricanes of hurdles, we had stormed thru
Overcoming countless difficulties.
Bucketfuls of tears, that we shed - or rather ME, most of the time.
Talks / conversations that we had debated.
Hurling multiple harsh damaging words / names / profanities to one another.
Numerous topics had we unraveled.
The dreadful topics, those much-avoided subject, we are over n done with.
We had and are exploring possibilities.
Contaminated psychological mind-games, we defeated.
We knocked down slanderous spiteful pples with destructive cruel vicious motives / plans.
Fabricated malicious stories abt u/me/us, which sometimes may hold sum truth(s) in it.. we had deal with it.
We triumphed over poisonous pple who brainwashed us and infiltrate our mind with lethal virus.Fabricated malicious stories abt u/me/us, which sometimes may hold sum truth(s) in it.. we had deal with it.
Mistakes that we done, and may have overlooked.
Sacrifices we had made, be it big or small.
Giving in when it's called for - even involuntarily at times..
Forgiving when the need arises - eventhou it seems hard to close one eye.
Motivating when we need each other's back.
Relyin on one another when the occasion calls for it.
Jealousy that lead us to nothing productive.
Anger that we caused/target to each other.
Sadness that we bring about to each other.
Happiness that we shared/created.
Anxiety that we caused each party.
Care & concern which we showered one another.
My strong brick wall of barricade that u break through.
My fears and worries which u took away.
My doubts that u clarify.
My "tiredness" which u transform to something positive.
Fond memories, which i hold on dearly.
Sweet, silly small acts that touched me tenderly.
Adoring words that are affectionate to me.
All of this .. where does it led me / you ? Us...?
Will it have a destination ?
What is in store ? What is at e end of the tunnel ?
Will there be a light shining at the end ?
Where is the end ? When is the end ? What is the end ?
Is this all worthwhile ?
Worth to stick it thru e end ?
* While i believe that, its advisable n OK to take risks, one shud also analyse the risk level beforehand.. At all times, one shud take into consideration the assesment of its drawback*
*Rule of the thumb : One should never, ever jump into it, wout weighing its pros / cons.**
***By doing so, atleast one wud know what's expected.. He/she wud be well aware of the effects/aftermath and what the individual is putting themself into***
*Rule of the thumb : One should never, ever jump into it, wout weighing its pros / cons.**
***By doing so, atleast one wud know what's expected.. He/she wud be well aware of the effects/aftermath and what the individual is putting themself into***
Sometimes, i find im contradicting myself.
I said A, but i want B.
I do C, but i want D.
I guess, i am uncertain of what i want.
Its either i dont understand myself, or i dont understand u.
Im lying if i said, im not tired of all this.
Honestly speaking, i am DEAD exhausted.
Truth be told, I wanna throw in the towel n give up.
Someone told me... i like to take the easy n shortest way out. I gv up easily.
I dont bother to tackle e problem n all other shits.
But he dont realize, he plays a major part of why im reacting like such.
He fails to see that he's partly to blame for the action im taking.
In some occasions, wout him realizing, he himself caused the decision im making.
Thou i dont deny, sometimes i too, can be a unreasonable sweet Monsta making decisions solely of my own. Periodically, i like to pass judgements wout hearing his defense. In cases like this, I let anger get the better of me.
Yes yes, i know, my actions are akin to a merciless Head of Jury. Thnk u for reminding,NOT
i try my utmost best not to blame him.
Cause like any others, including me, no less.. we sometimes fail to look at ourselves first. Its a habit to point the blame to the opposite party.
And when i opt out, I dont give up bcos i lost my fighting spirit n strength, but rather its bcos sometimes i feel, there's no point to carry on. I CHOSE to give up, coz i feel there's no more meaning to it. So since it no longer matters anymore, why bother holding on ?
However, more often then not, something abt him/us makes me wanna keep on trying.
Makes me wanna push myself.. jolt myself to keep it going.
Time n again, u never fail to bring me back when i voiced out to let go.
And each time, u succeed in bringing me back n making me stay.
At the end of evrything, i can only blame myself.
I wanted this. I chose this.
So i gotta take e good n e bad.
I only hv myself to blame for my predicament.
Im suddenly remembered of a quote : - Once a gerl turned around, she wont be looking back anymore.
Also, im a STRONG believer of : - One should learn to let go of the things that are hurting oneself.
Also, im a STRONG believer of : - One should learn to let go of the things that are hurting oneself.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
burned-out
HOROSCOPE FOR THE DAY: You've must always be true to yourself and to other people. Change is good. (-_-)
I am extremely tired and worn-out with all the current ongoings.
My brain is over-strained with all the thinking.
I do not want anything, anymore. I wish for nothing now.
Whatever that was delivered to me, its more then what i can handle.
What i have in my plate at present, exceeds my own expectation n limitation.
Its really more then enough.
I am unable to face or accept any other additional(s) that will come my way.
i hv no desire for additional anguish n distress.
This ordeal is already a agonizing torment.
Im pulling thru my last breath with what i have at hand.
What im facing rite now, has left me all maxed-out n stretched to the end.
The frontage that im holding up, is no more. It came all crushing down.
My determination and my willpower had taken a dip.
I have zilch, zero, none fighting spirit left.
Previously, and like always, i refuse to let all this bring me down.
But this time round, i bow down. I concede defeat.
Im throwing in the towel. Im taking out my white flag. I surrender.
All solutions that i can think of is futile. Its a solid dead end. I'll end up digging my own grave if i persist.
I am severely ultra exhausted. I wanna hibernate. I wish to fall into a deep slumber with no intention to wake up.
My brain is over-strained with all the thinking.
I do not want anything, anymore. I wish for nothing now.
Whatever that was delivered to me, its more then what i can handle.
What i have in my plate at present, exceeds my own expectation n limitation.
Its really more then enough.
I am unable to face or accept any other additional(s) that will come my way.
i hv no desire for additional anguish n distress.
This ordeal is already a agonizing torment.
Im pulling thru my last breath with what i have at hand.
What im facing rite now, has left me all maxed-out n stretched to the end.
The frontage that im holding up, is no more. It came all crushing down.
My determination and my willpower had taken a dip.
I have zilch, zero, none fighting spirit left.
Previously, and like always, i refuse to let all this bring me down.
But this time round, i bow down. I concede defeat.
Im throwing in the towel. Im taking out my white flag. I surrender.
All solutions that i can think of is futile. Its a solid dead end. I'll end up digging my own grave if i persist.
I am severely ultra exhausted. I wanna hibernate. I wish to fall into a deep slumber with no intention to wake up.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
summary - short one
Its been one hell of a month after my last entry. I promise this will be a short one.
- Rcvd a blue dolphin courtesy of Mr JM.. pretty unexpected.
- Celebrated dad n bro's bdae by goin to the Zoo, zoo, zoo! ( i still do my part n responsibilities of a sister n daughter tau krngs. )
- Rcvd keppel PB this yr... abit more then last yr. *wide smile*
- Went on a eating feast lately and adding more kilos to my already heavy weight.. sigh..
- Realised that how perplexing, frustrating n ironic, wen u dont hv $, u got tonnes n loads to buy. But when u hv e $ alr, nothing seems soothing to e eyes. Not even a single thing amaze, interest or even entice u. Not even that one thing which u hv set yr eyes on. ZILCH.
- Been on a movie marathon of late : - Santau, Daybreakers, Law-abiding citizen. Next one on my list = My Ex..
- Went on a mini shopping spree, but i still hv some items which i hv yet to get. Kinda fickle minded here. Hee. Cant seems to make up my mind to buy, or not to buy. Gerls being gerls, arent we, fellow sisters ? Haha!
- Cant wait to go to Genting ! Leave already approved, fellows! Genting, here i come !!
- No idea, if Batam trip is still on.. cant get hold of Babe. i am in so very need of a good massage. Haiz..
- Need to renew my darned passport, shittos!
- Thousand, million, billion, trillion, GAZILLION apologies to my Precious Party Pples for not joinin u guys on dat party event. i noe, i ever said that, nothing can get in btwn of my night scenes n etc.. but i guess, i tk bole cakap habes la. No idea why Penpen is being sucha farkarse on dat day. Tk tahu ape yg trigger die to react to macam. Belo uh tu kucing gemok. Huahua!
SORRY, SORRY n SORRY !!!
- Have been on a quarreling row with Baobei recently. Hurtful, vicious arguements. Lotsa ugly, mean words are hurled btwn us. Me testing his patience, him incurring my wrath. Cause of it are sometimes nonsensical n very minor at times. But its getting more n more frequent. And that's bad, very bad. Lost count of how many times have i raised my voice at him, he purposely saying stuffs to offend me, us slammin down the phone on each other, tears rolling down my cheeks. But after evrythink, its like a pattern. Either one will relent, give in and make e initial move to apologise.
it comes complete with long, sobbing, heart-rending touching SMSes, askin the other party to take care, dont do this, dont do that etc... konon2, its as if we are gg our separate ways la gitu.. But even after all those pre-separation last few words, even when either him or me die-die is bent-on on leaving each other for real n for good, so far we have never finish off with : u go ur way n i go mine. Like always, we still call n smsed each other like nothing ever happened. It goes unspoken. We either nip it in the bud, or we dont dig up the old stories n keep on harping on it. Mcm contradictin kan? u say A, but u do B. Haha !
How strong yr willpower, determination n yr co-operation is, in making this all worthwhile, plays a very crucial vital part.
For now, thank god, we still are on the same path together.
I dont deny there have been many a times where i let my anger n emotions get the better of me. I let them rule my head n the end result is, me throwing in the towel. Me giving up. I told n forced myself to be cruel n cold-blooded. I told him straight in the face, THIS IS IT. THIS MARKS THE END. I am no longer interested to carry on arguing or to put up a fite for us, for it leads to nowhere. I dont wish to continue or to keep holding on. This doesnt holds any meaning. Its pointless n meaningless. Im oh-so dead sick tired. I no longer want anythink anymore. But one way or another, we managed to overcome it. When my attitute is like a son-of-a-bitch farker, like a firemen, he's there to douse the fire.
- i hv people(s) close (by close, i mean very close like siblings close) to us telling me, that the way Penpen treat me is too much, very overboard n not right. Him not appreaciating me and taking me for granted and yada yada yada. Talked to Penpen abt it and he went berserk.! Cant understand why he was so pissed, when in fact i should be the one feeling agitated. He's taking it very hard, cant swallow dwn the fact,that the one whom he tot wont talked abt him, actually do.
So Yours Truly told him, we dont live to please others, so why fark bother abt them.. The bad side of him, pple will see, remember it for life n it will always be a gd n constant topic at pple's mouth. But, the good n sweet side of him, pple can never get to see them.. He seldom display it publicly, u see. Plus there isnt a need for him to show it to others. Thats why n how it lead to pple having negative tots. But all of these are not impt to me, cos at the end of the day, i know what's really goin on btwn us and thats all that matter. Pple can throw all allegations on him, but ultimately, what i say/think holds the heaviest weight n have the final say, isnt it ? Dont understand, why is he letting this affect him big time. Reacting exageratingly as if he commit murder and is about to be given the death sentence.
- As if its not enough, dealing with gerls calling me, giving me warnings abt Penpen, girls threatening me, having deleted accts on Tagged sending me msgs badmouthing him, them gerls giving me their password n emails to login to their acct n read the msgs that Penpen sent them.. Gerls who wanna meet me up to talk things out.. girls declaring that Penpen is their B, their boyfie, their love, their sweetheart, their one n only..
i now have a guy calling me! A guy ok, readers. Yes, u read that rite. A GUY, for farksake. This is something new, shocking, unexpecting and worth talking about. This guy told me, Penpen was doing things behind my back at that said current time n now he's at some hotel having a jolly fun time with some bitch. The guy who called, claimed that, he dun wanna see me gettin hurt by Penpen, he treat me as a fren so he dun want me to be foolishly fooled n cheated upon. The best part is, few minutes before the call came, Penpen rang me up n we talked for abit. Haa.
I honest to god, dunno why is all this happening. Im unable to figure out why there are so many pple trying to drive us apart. A hotstuff casanova like him who hv many female frens, someone who hv history of toyin with gerls feelings, one who has a reputation of smashing we girls heart to pieces.. yea i knew all dat.. So wats e big deal ?? I am one who like to experience things for myself. Seeing is believing, they said. In this case, experiencing is believing. I chose to take e risk, so here i am facing n dealing all this squarely with an open, justified n sane mind. Im receiving with wide open arms, whatever that may come my way. :) I wish to take the fall myself, so when in future, when i looked back, i know that this scar is the cause of my own undoing n my very own firm decision. Something that i wanted to back then. To me, personally thats drives a better n much more embedded lesson that way.
I just cudnt help wonderin how this pple managed to lay their hands on my hp num, my name n all those other info.
U guys n gerls can keep on tryin. Dont give up ok darls. Put more effort into it n try harder. Cause now whatever u are doing, its not enuff to bring me down. I dont even falter or wobble. Hmm..., On acct that im such a selfless person, someone who is magnanimous n benevolent, i shall pray for yr success. See, I am big-hearted, like that. Hopefully u wont take centuries to succeed. Muahahhahahah!
Trust between one another is crucial.
Without trust, u dont have anything.
The above line should be more den sufficient to deliver my point.
Without trust, u dont have anything.
The above line should be more den sufficient to deliver my point.
- Made some grave, severe, critical mistakes which i didnt expect Penpen to forgive me, but to my surprise, he forgave me. I broke one of the most-feared upon cardinal rule. Baobei's patience level is REMARKABLY SUPERB !!
- Penpen bought me my very much craved-for pink candyfloss. It sure taste much sweeter when u hv yr dear ones buying for u. Teehee.!
- Not only that, in addition, he get me a Strawberry Shortcake coin purse. *insert wide wide smile :DDD*
- On top of the above two that i mentioned, he also purchased a Strawberry Shortcake mini plush bear for me. I couldnt suppress it any longer, i broke down and sobbed like a small kid infront of him when he present it to me. Those are tears of joy, happiness and amazement.
Here's how it goes :: After we had dinner at Swensen IMM, we window-shopped for awhile. Told him i wanted to go to mini toons to look at some stuffs. Went in, saw the life-size bear of Strawberry Shortcake. My top numero uno favourite cartoon character ! Randomly told him, i want that. I wanted to buy it. Approached the sales girl, asked the price n etc. So was told that that bear had already been reserved. Saw the mini-bolster n again, me acting like a spoilt brat, wanting to buy. Penpen refrained me frm doing so, saying its a waste of money, im alr so old to be playin with dolls n bears. I got pissed off, scolded him saying that, its not as if i asked him to buy for me. Then, dunnoe why n for wat purpose, he went over n spoke to the salesgirl, i was still pissed off, i cudnt be bothered with him, so i continued to look at the other stuffs.
After he finshed speakin w the salesgirl, he cudnt wait to chase me outta the shop. Again, my feelings took a huge dive. He's shoo-ed me to get out of the shop ASAP, saying that its a waste of time to go in der n not buyin anytink, passing hurtful remarks like why am i behaving like a small kid, wanting to go all gaga on some silly stupid bears, cartoons n etc. So, me dejectedly with a heavy heart left the shop. We were about to take the escalator to level 3 when, with no apparent reason he asked me to go up first. So, me still feeling upset abt not gettin e bear n wats more with him chasing me out like that, i am not in e least interested to probe why.. i just agreed n waited for him at level 3. After a while, he came up, asked him where did he went. Said that he went to the Gents.. i find it funny cos there's also the Gents at level 3. He seems to sense that i find it funny, he add on by explaining fhat he's in urgent need to relieve himself n finding the maleroom cud be quite a hassle since we dont know its exact location. Ok, Fair enough, i think..
We then continued to window-shopped some more. Made some rounds here n there. Oohh, aaahhhh over some items. Then we proceed to make our way back home. Stopped at the smoking corner for a smoke, then tadahhh!!!! Dats when he took out the Mini-Toons plactic bag n gave it to me. I was dumfounded, astounded and in total shock n awe. Whatever that's inside, it gotta be my fav character. After opening it, I dunno how to react, i cudnt get myself to face him. all e way i just went : - tk bleh la mcm gini. Pen jngn buat gini la. Ni sudah salah. Tk bleh la gini. Tkmo ikotkan rentak aini sangat. Ni salah la. Cnnt la like this. This is all so wrong.. Pen ni, asal buat gini.. Jngn can gini la lain kali. Tkmo turutkan ape aini nak.. i kept repeating the same lines over n over again. He shook his head n was at a loss as to why i couldnt face him n talk to him like normal.. he wasnt expecting to see that kinda reaction from me. Thruout our way home, i profusely kept thanking him. To the extend that he got uncomfortable n asked me zipped up my mouth.. He was puzzled on why was i being so formal with him with all the formalities, thanking him non-stop..
He really caught me off guard. I didnt know that he had it in him to plan surprises. Most of the time, he appeared to be so unemotional, uninvolved and disinterested. Very indifferent n nonchalant abt most of the things. He's able to shut off, shun away n put off things without giving it a 2nd thought. With him, u are to expect the unexpected. When u dont expect him to do it, he will astonish u, gave u an eye-opener n surprise u. Things that u expect him to do, thats when he will prove u wrong n wont do it. True to his star sign, he's unpredictable~
So, tell me, how not to have a love-hate thing going on with him ? The hurtful things that he did, it really pierced thru my heart like a sphere that has a target. He made sure he aim directly, locked it in n hit u on the exact spot where he wanted. But when he bring u up to the the skies, u feel as thou u are in Cloud Nine of Seven Heaven ! U feel as thou, all e piercings / sufferings / sadness / anger that u endured n tolerated all along has been justifiably made up for.
Ok, im bringin my whole family for dinner tonite! Im standing treat, courtesy of Keppel's PB.
My lovelies cousins, i see ya'all later. I miss u horrible monstas farkin truckloads!
7pm max..! Be there or be square!
I should be turnin in now.
So long n nite-nites readers !
My lovelies cousins, i see ya'all later. I miss u horrible monstas farkin truckloads!
7pm max..! Be there or be square!
I should be turnin in now.
So long n nite-nites readers !
Sunday, January 10, 2010
2010
This whole week have been helluva ride for me. Very topsy turvy, complete with deadly curves! Will blog about it in the next entry. A must-read!
Here's to share how i spent my last moments of my colourful 2009..
Time check : 06:26am.. Mak Tiger n boyfie isnt back yet.. I wonder where they had been all nite.. Im gettin worried now..
I gotta reputation to think about. Asked him, why only now? What makes the confession come? Says he meet us frequently nowadays, feelings getting stronger. Cant lie to himself. Cant keep it as a secret. Gotta lemme noe. Its better to let it be known then him bottling it all up. Its better then no one finds out. Beats the idea of him liking me secretly n hvg to create excuses to see/meet me. Says initially he was shy n scared. Well, I dont hv monstrous, disastrous teeth, so i dont bite. But what i do have, is a sweet smile. Teehee. :) Ok, so if that is his reasons for holding back, man...! this guy is a easily intimidated weakling! What a chicken-heart, fraidy cat wimp he is. Such a wussy quitter. So much for a first lasting impression! Hahas!
Here's to share how i spent my last moments of my colourful 2009..
Incase u're wondering, no, there wasnt any 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 for me on dat fateful day. Instead, i was kept busy with sponging Baobei with a towel on his forehead. He was down with fever. High fever, to be precise. Of all the days, he had to fall sick on his bday. Tell me, how much more depressing can it get ? That explains why he's so cranky n temperamental on dat week.
He was so-really testin my patience to the limit. For 4 days, no 5 days straight, mind u! I wonder how the hell did i managed to tolerate and endured the trauma caused by him... He really pushed me to the core. To the brink of the cliff. But lucky, Yours Truly has been enlightened n thus had since attained the art of being extremely, extra n EXCEPTIONALLY patient. The cursed-upon, darned Art of Patience.
Where impossible is changed to possible. Where NO is not an acceptable answer/excuse. Where you have to make things work for you. Where you change the negative to positive. Where all the unexpected bcame expected n where all the expected turned to be unexpected. Actually its all in the mind. It depends on which angle u see it frm n how u analyse it n finally how u tacked the issue.
Ok.. back to the topic.. So.. I would say, all went quite well, but not really as per planned on the big day itself. Arrangements made was backlashed n rebounded. We had mini arguments, but i relent n gave in on accord of his bday. We didnt get to eat the ice cream cake that he wanted. That farkin aunty of that god-damned shop was incorrigible! Prior to the big day, I had already surveyed n went to the shop beforehand. I had already asked abt the cake and all the necessary details, they too didnt mentioned anything out of the ordinary. Salesperson only told me, that for the day, their cakes had sold out.
31st dec - THE BIG DAY ! Bloody hell! Evrything was running amok! Infact, all my plans backfired and we nearly cancelled the whole thing! That blardy farking auntie told me, that we HAD to pre-order the cake a day in advance. !!! !!@#$%^&*... The first time while i was there enquiring abt it, she farking did not mentioned anything abt advance ordering. Farking fark her! And to make matters worst, i and Baobei was already at her shop at that point of time.
Can u imagine how dissapointed he must hv felt? Just think, Me as the organiser who plans all this, the one who's not celebrating anything, can feel so freakin upset and dissapointed, what more him, the birthday boy for the day? He must hv felt so totally dejected. I felt so bad for him. The guilt in me. Feels like im the cause of all this. All his dissapointment n etc. I am sucha letdown. Sighh..
Can u imagine how dissapointed he must hv felt? Just think, Me as the organiser who plans all this, the one who's not celebrating anything, can feel so freakin upset and dissapointed, what more him, the birthday boy for the day? He must hv felt so totally dejected. I felt so bad for him. The guilt in me. Feels like im the cause of all this. All his dissapointment n etc. I am sucha letdown. Sighh..
If the cake was a 2kg or so, i can accept the fact that it need to be pre-ordered first. I mean, thats valid enuff. People seldom buy ice-cream cake, plus it doesnt come cheap so reason accecpted.. But the shop that we went, the cake was less then 10bux! It was only 150g. Obviously, its meant for like one or 2pax.. U put two protractor together.. those semi-circle thingy for math.. thats the size of the cake. Pre-ordered for that?! She really gotta be farking kiddin! That's ridiculous isnt it?
So we walked over to Iluma. Man, dat place was daylight robbery! They got the cake, but it was O-T-T exorbitant. Way too costly. Plus it was like 2kg or so, maybe less..? Furthermore, the 2 of us couldnt possibly finished it. So with crestfallen heavy hearts, we despondently left the place feeling very dampened. In the end, we just went to had our dinner at Fish & Co. Baobei wanted to much to go n dine at that restaurant. Cant figure whats so significant abt it, that he literally goes gaga over it. He so-so wanna dine der. Been talkin abt it since like FOREVER. But well, thats the least i could do for him on dat day. Nvm if its no high-end chi-chi resto. We are easily appeased. To placate us is a piece of cake.(take note : only in some certain situation, that is) We try to make do with whatever we can. :) If its not within our grasp, then we have learn not to hope for the unreachable.
Afterwhich we zoomed off to The Place, place was just a-ok. Not really rundown but neither was it posh. Just average, i would say. Waterfront was much much more way betta off.! So the rest of it, lets just keep it safely under wraps, shall we?
So 2009 has been a total blast for me! Here's a run thru : -
- Went to KL
- and to Bintan..
- Took my FIRST flight by airplane! WUHHOOOOO!!
- Enjoyed luxurious months of Bonus, courtesy of Keppel... :)
- Love interest or possible love interest that comes n go.. dats pretty normal, isnt it?
- Experienced one of the worst BAD romance ever - it gotten SO very ugly to the extent of the gerl msgin my mum askin how am i related to the then-arsehole-bf.. my own grndma saw e same asshole eatin together with some other bitch, infront of her own eyes, where that asshole told me he was sumwhere arnd his area, buyin food for his mum and many other horrible, horrendous stuffs that u can never imagined of..
- was so mad into bikes at a stage. SURPRISE-SUPRISE isnt it?? Haa! Even i was shocked! Was so into corners n takin up bike licence..
- A distant relative got instant fame after winning some entertainment reality tv show..
- Some distant relative who is younger den me, passed on due to some unknown rare sickness.
- crossed my own boundaries, going against some of my principles.. *shakes head, dats bad, i noe*
- dabbled in some forbidden stuffs. *shakes head even more!*
- made some wonderful frens cum Precious Party Peoples, met some old pples that i lost ctc with, get to noe some younger generation whom i never tot i wud mingle ard with..
- Introduced bby bonceta to the wonderful world of nightlife!
- shed some damned kilos, but gained dem back. Its like up n dwn, u noe. And thats frustating!
- moved out frm Nenny n stayed with Mum till currently.
- certain happenings hv made me realise not to take things n pple for granted.
- gettin myself to do family-stuffs. Like grave-visiting n etc...
- Unexpectedly romance blossom when i least expect it, at the spur-of-moment where i just left behind some random comments and much to my surprise, it is still ongoin n lastin till now. *wide smile*
- Explored many Places.. places that i never tot i wud set foot upon..
- done many unexpected things that i never dream i would be doing.. we shud always expect the unexpected, dont we?
Time check : 06:26am.. Mak Tiger n boyfie isnt back yet.. I wonder where they had been all nite.. Im gettin worried now..
Latest update : -
omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg!!!
omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg!!!
someone who SHOULDNT be doing this, has done the never-to-be-mentioned, shameless, cursed-upon, atrocious, despised n heinous deed. He tells me dangerous stuffs that i dont wanna or wishes to noe. He pop me very sensitive, awkward, tough n prohibitive question(s). He has dropped a MASSIVE, HUGE, OVERSIZED atomic bomb on me. No, its not some wedding bells ringing or any officially popping the sacred Q. Im not talking abt Baobei. Someone who is forbidden & TOTALLY OFF-LIMITS. Someone who should back off frm me. Someone who should stay atleast 5 feet away frm me, Someone who shouldnt be harbouring any of this at all.
Ohmy. This is so deadly WRONG. It is against all the rules, regulations, law, code of conduct n all the others for years n still counting.. Since centuries of eons ago, it has already been publicised openly that this is so salacious and shady. This is a vicious, unlawful, unrightful, degrading, sordid, slimy, disgraceful n beastly act
Ohmy. This is so deadly WRONG. It is against all the rules, regulations, law, code of conduct n all the others for years n still counting.. Since centuries of eons ago, it has already been publicised openly that this is so salacious and shady. This is a vicious, unlawful, unrightful, degrading, sordid, slimy, disgraceful n beastly act
He really isnt thinking straight. Must hv gone insane. Total nutcase. I am scared to the bones now. Whatever he told me, it left me shivering to the spine. This is so unethical, illicit, corrupt and certainly sinful. It is positively unbecoming, unacceptable and improper without a doubt.
Without questions, this is a towering SUPERIOR juvenile, a paramount SOVEREIGN vile and an extensive main act of vice. A supreme terrible cruel n wicked blunder. A known-by-all mistakes that he know he shouldnt be commiting. It is a total offending transgression. He is bypassing and trespassing on of his very own buddy. Something that is oh-s0 downright utterly unheard of! Doubtlessly preposterous, irrational, repulsive n outright revolting.!
He noes he shouldnt n cannot be telling me those confession. He is already with some, and technically so am i. We all know each other. i have no interest at all to get involved in any silly love triangle or watsoever complicating issue. He still got the cheek to say, if its ok with me, we can be together but we need not leave our current one. Wadaheck!
Do i really portray the image of a player? In my history of living, and with my best memory up to date, i have never played the timer game. And i hv no intention to start. No doubt, i may always say, forbidden stuffs are tempting. But sorry dude, this is an evident, obvious, clear cut NO-WAY, NO-GO.! Heck, not even in my dreams!
Do i really portray the image of a player? In my history of living, and with my best memory up to date, i have never played the timer game. And i hv no intention to start. No doubt, i may always say, forbidden stuffs are tempting. But sorry dude, this is an evident, obvious, clear cut NO-WAY, NO-GO.! Heck, not even in my dreams!
Dats not all, he told me that if Baobei has cut off all ties with him, he will move on to me. He decide not to hold back anymore now. He said, he have since waited this long, n tonite he has mustered enuff courage to let it all out.. So if there's any opportunity or miraculously if he's given a chance, he will grabbed hold of it, held on to it tightly n use it to his advantage. But its useless n pointless, all his efforts will be futile. I already told him point-blank, that whatever he's hoping for will never become reality. Will not now, will not also in the future.
Blardy hell. God damnit! I am so humiliated that this is happening. One of his very own chummy pals. One that he's quite very close to. Wow.. this guy really amazes me. Such dreadful, appaling guys do still exist huh..?. My jaw was left hanging when he told me via msn earlier.. I was speechless and dumbfounded. I honestly had the most atrocious n disastrous shock of my life, i tell ya!
It wasnt only yest that he got to know me. We're frens for almost a year alr n he divulge it now? Situation at hand is very very difficult. It wudnt be this bad, if i hadnt know e rest of them. Now i practically met n knew almost all of them. It would be so awkward, the next time im facing him. Having said that, Im not implyin that i ever hv feelings for him, that will not n NEVER happen. **Oh god, take me awy from all those malicious tots.
Ok maybe previously i ever compared him to e arsehole, but that doesnt proves or goes to show that i hv interest in him. No doubt, i ever said, he wud make a betta bf den e asshole. And i did mentioned to him, even to Baobei n to some of them, he deserved a betta gerl den his current one now. Not dat im tryin to sow discord here, but u gotta respect yr man, babe! U gotta give him face. U dont put him down, salivate on him, barked orders at him and treat him shabbily like yr free-laboured, no-wage-needed slave infront of his fren(s).
If u got pride n dignity, well so do him, gerl!
A man's ego is not the same as us, honey. Consider urself lucky, lady that he managed to last this long w ya. Given some other guys, u wud have been given the boot so long ago. U would already be jilted n ditched! Trust me, with that nasty attitute of urs, u wudnt surpass yr first monthsary, woman! There isnt any need for u to worship or pay tribute to him like he's royalty. Regard him with ample respect will be just fine.If u want others to respect u, u gotta respect others first. U gotta earn the respect. It's not given away as n when u want it.Regardless with or without sparks flying, chemistry or no chemistry, its a definite no without a doubt.
WITHOUT A DOUBT, NOTHING WILL EVER COME OUT FRM ME N HIM. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. ZILCH. ZERO. NONE.Okok, truthfully, I am at a serious loss for words, And he could still ask me, do i feel e same for him? If he's thinking that im gonna reciprocate his feelings, then seriously he must hv gone berserk. Thats so totally absurd. His brains must hv depleted to ashes, i suppose.. Such abhorrent, loathsome n detestable behaviour.
Asked him, what makes him develop those forbidden feelings for me.. Says he's been observing me, realised that i am a one-man women. Someone who cud understand him. Someone who would gv him all e respect that he deserve. Someone who wouldnt infringe on his space/privacy n all those craps.. Someone who would accept him for what n who he is. Someone who neither label, nor judge, one who dont pass rude/sarcastic remarks when not needed. Im lovable, well-liked by many, pple tend to be at ease at me, im outgoing not rigid, able to blend in almost situations n yada yada yada...
Asked him, what makes him develop those forbidden feelings for me.. Says he's been observing me, realised that i am a one-man women. Someone who cud understand him. Someone who would gv him all e respect that he deserve. Someone who wouldnt infringe on his space/privacy n all those craps.. Someone who would accept him for what n who he is. Someone who neither label, nor judge, one who dont pass rude/sarcastic remarks when not needed. Im lovable, well-liked by many, pple tend to be at ease at me, im outgoing not rigid, able to blend in almost situations n yada yada yada...
u noe all those sugary, honey-coated words... all those wooing, courting phrases.. Told him to save his breath. I've undergo this as often as i change my clothes. So i noe wat comes next. The same shit pattern will follow and once that novelty period/feeling wears off, thats it. DOOMSDAY FOR YA! Sigh.. I dont even bother to count how many times hv i gone thru this alr..
That hv always been the routine n tradition. Cant people be more creative nowadays? Override the customary tradition. Brainstorm for new methods. Inject some creativity or maybe surprises. Be interesting. Be a cut above the rest. Sweep me off my feet. Be extraordinary. Dont follow the crowd. Be the trendsetter and not only the follower all the time. Be the first who dares to go out of comfy zone. Do something that is bizarre, weird n peculiar. Be the talk of the town. Steal the limelight.! Do something that will leave a lasting deep impression n memory. Be the hot topic that will always be at e edge of pple's tongues, back of their brain n tips of their fingers.
But still at the end of the day, it narrows down to this : -
ITS NOT HAPPENING. N ITS NOT GONNA HAPPEN EITHER.
NEITHER NOW, NOR IN THE FUTURE.
NOT EVEN IN THE DREAMS.
THIS IS WAYYYYYYYYYY TOOOOOOOOO FAR-FETCH.
Honestly, I am still trembling with fear when i recall his confession n when i read back the MSN convos.
FREAKY. ILLOGICAL. INANE. LUDICROUS. ILLEGAL. CREEPY
I dunno if i should let Baobei know abt this. This is total outrage. He will be so astonished. He will definitely be bewildered with shocked. This news will overwhelmed him that i can bet he will be so stunned. He will be absolutely astounded. The same topic dat he always jokingly kidded with me, has now since happened. The unforeseen,u-n-looked,u-nwished n uncalled-for incident which we tot will not arise has since befallen me. It has come into existence. It has come to light. The very one thing that i prayed will not ensued upon me, have since arised.
NEITHER NOW, NOR IN THE FUTURE.
NOT EVEN IN THE DREAMS.
THIS IS WAYYYYYYYYYY TOOOOOOOOO FAR-FETCH.
Honestly, I am still trembling with fear when i recall his confession n when i read back the MSN convos.
FREAKY. ILLOGICAL. INANE. LUDICROUS. ILLEGAL. CREEPY
I dunno if i should let Baobei know abt this. This is total outrage. He will be so astonished. He will definitely be bewildered with shocked. This news will overwhelmed him that i can bet he will be so stunned. He will be absolutely astounded. The same topic dat he always jokingly kidded with me, has now since happened. The unforeseen,u-n-looked,u-nwished n uncalled-for incident which we tot will not arise has since befallen me. It has come into existence. It has come to light. The very one thing that i prayed will not ensued upon me, have since arised.
I figure to be on the safe side and to refrain frm gettin accused, its best i let Baobei know abt it. Lest anything major erupts or crops up, Baobei wasnt left outta the loop. He should n have to know abt this. Beats hearing frm that person side of story. Baobei should atleast gimme the benefit of the doubt. I so much deserve that!
And before he passed down any verdict, atleast i already had revealed my side of the story. Ibelieve im innocent here. I want no part at all. I hv no share in all this. It just so happen that im the main character who is left with no choice. Correction, it should be, the one who dont hv any choice at all. I got dragged into this.
And before he passed down any verdict, atleast i already had revealed my side of the story. Ibelieve im innocent here. I want no part at all. I hv no share in all this. It just so happen that im the main character who is left with no choice. Correction, it should be, the one who dont hv any choice at all. I got dragged into this.
**PS: So...i do hv many good points when it come to BGR huh.. I still fail to see why Baobei constantly hv doubts on me. Really hv no idea n dont understand what causes him to hv that thinking.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
reply
First n foremost, i appreciate u replyin. Frm the bottom of my heart and honestly, i truly appreciate it.
Thanks for takin the time to read n reply. I wasnt expectin u or anyone to still read my blog thou.
Thanks for takin the time to read n reply. I wasnt expectin u or anyone to still read my blog thou.
About the chalet issue, apologies on my part if u felt that way. I sincerely hv no intention at all to make u guys feel neglected. I overlooked matters, my bad. The thought of me, not entertaining u peeps didnt occurred to me at all. I am under the impression that u guys dont like Baobei n his fren being there. I am stucked in between, u see. One is my Baobei, while the other is my Precious Party Peoples. I figured, u guys wudnt mind me stickin with him as u guys got each other's company while they're just the 2 of them. Looks like, my assumption is so dead wrong. But trust me, i genuinely hv no intention of makin u pple come dwn all e way for nothing n brushing u guys aside.
Evry couple who's in love yearns for that. I dont deny, that i too wished n longed for it. But of course, not to the extent of makin pple arnd yr surroundings hv the notion that they're being ignored, depreciate n dismiss for gd. Thou i must also emphasise, this might not be applicable to all. I cant speak for all when it comes to this. What i felt may not necessarily be what others felt. Others may not experience the vibes im getting.
I dun expect u to be there for me like always, cause i understand that now u are in a rship. N no, dun get me mistaken, im not against it. Thou sometimes, honestly speaking, i dont approve of the way u guys handle situations n how u dealt w issues but i know, i hv no say over it so its best to zipup n hush-hush! I understand that, now u hv commitments, hv to spent time w yr other half, hv mushy2 moments with "the-one", that honeymoon period, the regular fites, those normal occasional stress, the lovey-dovey times, those loving occasion, the private-u&me time, and all the other etcs dat comes along in a rship..
I just hope that u dont cast n chuck me aside like a washed-out n worned-out doll waiting to be discarded. I dun wish to be looked upon as something which has lost its worth, one dat is of no value. Neither do i wished to be treated as something dat cant be market out even when giving it away as freebies or something that even the Rag-&-Bone guy do not wanna re-purchase.
Its no biggie if we cant remain status quo like previously, but atleast try not be drifted away frm each other.. u get what im tryin say here? Im not that heartless to demand the moon or the skies frm you. The rainbow is sufficient 'nuff. (^_^)
Also, it helps, knowing that the memories/times we shared n spent together are being cherished. That is very soothing n nice to know. Something that leaves a lingerin wonderful feeling..
OK, having typed all the above and also in my previous entry, i just want YOU to know n bear in mind dat i neither harbour or plant, nor did i nurture any hatred towards u. I may not be forgiving for now, but still, deep down, i love u as much as before. No even an ounce less.
Frankly, i earnestly n deeply appreciate u replyin. I take pleasure n applaud u for takin the time to read my massive lengthy post n also replyin to them. I certainly and absolutely wasnt expectin anyone to reply or get back to me with regards to this. When i penned the previous entry dwn, it was more of me letting my hearts out n not holding or keeping anything back. It's me lettin my anger overcome n releasing all e whatever inner grievances i may hv. In another words, its me in all of e negative emotions : -
U shud hv talked to me about this earlier. If u hadnt mention it now, i forever wudnt had known that somehow in regardless of with intention or no/ indirectly or not/ with or wout motive, on my part, i had caused u guys to felt that way. I wiould be kept in the dark n outta the loop till eternity! So.. Now, who's bottling things up here huh?
Sometimes, we need others to point out the mistakes that we had done. We dont always see where we had gone wrong n astray. To us, it may be nothing and its not an issue, but others may not feel likewise n see it the same way. Not everyone share the same mindset with one another. We learn from n by mistakes, so we dont repeat it. Its been said, u dun fell at the same spot twice. The same applies for this : a duplication of the alike is uncalled for.
Sometimes, we need others to point out the mistakes that we had done. We dont always see where we had gone wrong n astray. To us, it may be nothing and its not an issue, but others may not feel likewise n see it the same way. Not everyone share the same mindset with one another. We learn from n by mistakes, so we dont repeat it. Its been said, u dun fell at the same spot twice. The same applies for this : a duplication of the alike is uncalled for.
I still SO much feel the urge to text u when anything/everything arises. Even the smallest, tiniest thing, U wud always be the 1st person to come to mind. Its like a auto-reflex action. However, I beat n supressed my desire to go lookin for u bcos, as stated in my prev entry.. u are so near but yet so far.. U are un-attainable and unreachable.
U are like gazillion of distances far away from me. I no longer feel i can reach across to u. Maybe its just me, but i hv e feeling that im a hindrance and a nuisance to u, somewho's who botherin u with all the nity-grity silly stuffs. Face the fact, Im alr 22 and i always go running to u sharing n flooding u w everything. Where in actual fact, i , the older one should be the one on e standby for u, and not the other way round.
U are like gazillion of distances far away from me. I no longer feel i can reach across to u. Maybe its just me, but i hv e feeling that im a hindrance and a nuisance to u, somewho's who botherin u with all the nity-grity silly stuffs. Face the fact, Im alr 22 and i always go running to u sharing n flooding u w everything. Where in actual fact, i , the older one should be the one on e standby for u, and not the other way round.
Somehow i just hv the feeling, dat at some point of another, u see me as : AINI = BAD NEWS.. Or anytime in the future, u wud begin to see me like that. U noe it best, my imagination always goes beyond my control, thus that kinda thinking.
It's not that i do not wanna share my life stories w u anymore. Dont get me wrong. Im not shunning u off. U are like being shield under a invisible protective layer that others cant get past thru. One which will bounce u off when u get near it,something that will bounced back on u n hit it right back at ya, in yr face!
I noe that eventho u are w someone 24/7, u never disregard ur dearest(s). Recalling back, u were w Coco n the rest in the past, but this is the first time dat im encountering this situation with you. Its only now, that i felt immensely very slighted. While i understand that yr partner may want n keep u all by herself, this however is not going the rite way.Simply put, u're something dat screams : NO BYPASSING ALLOWED. INTRUDERS WILL BE ELECTROCUTED.
Talking to u nowadays seems nowhere near possible. Even goin thru Guerilla Warfare in e jungle isnt as complex, formidable and strenous when comparing talkin to u.
To hold a nice convo wout interruption with u lately, is a no-picnic event, one that is highly prohibitive, dat constantly will have eyes watching. Something which can only be done on e sly. And when triggered wrongly or when irrelevant authorites dat may come upon knowing, it will detonate like an flaming erupting volcano with a loud BANG.!
Something which carries an impact that comes with extreme dire consequences. Consequences like a Earth-shaking/shattering/wrecking/demolising gigantic EarthQuake or a jumbo Tsunami with Gargantuan/enormous/monstrous/tremendous/KILLER waves.
Yes, physically u may be there, but mentally..u are not. God knows where yr mind has floated off to! Feels as thou im talkin to a block of wood. (not that im referrin u as e wood, ofcourse!) When i talked to u, u see me, but u dont really see me. U see pass thru me. Like im invisible, or rather, like i dont exist and am not standin/sittin/talkin infront of u.
At times u may respond, but yr response are unlike you. Its not yr normal way of answering. U are only responding for the sake of responding. To put it harshly, its just to acknowledge whatever crap i had just delivered to u. U may not realise it, but yr reaction make others think dat they are troubling u.
Talking to u nowadays seems nowhere near possible. Even goin thru Guerilla Warfare in e jungle isnt as complex, formidable and strenous when comparing talkin to u.
To hold a nice convo wout interruption with u lately, is a no-picnic event, one that is highly prohibitive, dat constantly will have eyes watching. Something which can only be done on e sly. And when triggered wrongly or when irrelevant authorites dat may come upon knowing, it will detonate like an flaming erupting volcano with a loud BANG.!
Something which carries an impact that comes with extreme dire consequences. Consequences like a Earth-shaking/shattering/wrecking/demolising gigantic EarthQuake or a jumbo Tsunami with Gargantuan/enormous/monstrous/tremendous/KILLER waves.
Yes, physically u may be there, but mentally..u are not. God knows where yr mind has floated off to! Feels as thou im talkin to a block of wood. (not that im referrin u as e wood, ofcourse!) When i talked to u, u see me, but u dont really see me. U see pass thru me. Like im invisible, or rather, like i dont exist and am not standin/sittin/talkin infront of u.
At times u may respond, but yr response are unlike you. Its not yr normal way of answering. U are only responding for the sake of responding. To put it harshly, its just to acknowledge whatever crap i had just delivered to u. U may not realise it, but yr reaction make others think dat they are troubling u.
Evry couple who's in love yearns for that. I dont deny, that i too wished n longed for it. But of course, not to the extent of makin pple arnd yr surroundings hv the notion that they're being ignored, depreciate n dismiss for gd. Thou i must also emphasise, this might not be applicable to all. I cant speak for all when it comes to this. What i felt may not necessarily be what others felt. Others may not experience the vibes im getting.
I dun expect u to be there for me like always, cause i understand that now u are in a rship. N no, dun get me mistaken, im not against it. Thou sometimes, honestly speaking, i dont approve of the way u guys handle situations n how u dealt w issues but i know, i hv no say over it so its best to zipup n hush-hush! I understand that, now u hv commitments, hv to spent time w yr other half, hv mushy2 moments with "the-one", that honeymoon period, the regular fites, those normal occasional stress, the lovey-dovey times, those loving occasion, the private-u&me time, and all the other etcs dat comes along in a rship..
I just hope that u dont cast n chuck me aside like a washed-out n worned-out doll waiting to be discarded. I dun wish to be looked upon as something which has lost its worth, one dat is of no value. Neither do i wished to be treated as something dat cant be market out even when giving it away as freebies or something that even the Rag-&-Bone guy do not wanna re-purchase.
Its no biggie if we cant remain status quo like previously, but atleast try not be drifted away frm each other.. u get what im tryin say here? Im not that heartless to demand the moon or the skies frm you. The rainbow is sufficient 'nuff. (^_^)
Also, it helps, knowing that the memories/times we shared n spent together are being cherished. That is very soothing n nice to know. Something that leaves a lingerin wonderful feeling..
OK, having typed all the above and also in my previous entry, i just want YOU to know n bear in mind dat i neither harbour or plant, nor did i nurture any hatred towards u. I may not be forgiving for now, but still, deep down, i love u as much as before. No even an ounce less.
Frankly, i earnestly n deeply appreciate u replyin. I take pleasure n applaud u for takin the time to read my massive lengthy post n also replyin to them. I certainly and absolutely wasnt expectin anyone to reply or get back to me with regards to this. When i penned the previous entry dwn, it was more of me letting my hearts out n not holding or keeping anything back. It's me lettin my anger overcome n releasing all e whatever inner grievances i may hv. In another words, its me in all of e negative emotions : -
sad/upset/dejected/forlorn/gloomy/weepy/sorrows/despairing/tragic/heart-rending/ bitter/revengeful/evil/murderous/resentful/spiteful/callous/ferocious/ruthless/sadistic/inhuman/cold-blooded/anger/hissy fit/mad/rage/outrage/pique/infuriated/fury/indignated...
Time Check : 08:36am...
i gotta hit the shower now, i hv to follow Pop to purchase schbks for my bros!
i gotta hit the shower now, i hv to follow Pop to purchase schbks for my bros!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Saturday at Grandlink / bastardised ?
I was alr home as at 3+am just now. But i was hoggin on the phone till now. Yes, u read it right, TILL NOW. So that explains why this entry is timed at the break of dawn which is at 6++am...
So, finally, i set foot at Grandlink. Place was just a-ok. Not really grand nor was it really rundown. Songs were so-so. As expected n predicted by some, there are some of the new updated songs available. Collection isnt as much as other karaoke studios. To compare PW n Grndlink, both has it plus point n its drawbacks. Comfort/price/variety/crowd/availability/ambience totally differs a GREAT deal.
Baobei was being such a sweetheart n an arsehole today. Gives me a whole whirl of emotions. First he dozed off, causing our plans to hang halfway den he was late for 3hrs. Afterwhich he was so ultimate sweet singing songs n changing lyrics to my names. Hee. I noe, i noe.. i am now lost in the world of fantasy. Thanks for reminding,NOT.
Ironically, now i kinda miss Cash Studio.. or is it at Cash Box..? The one located at Ming Arcade, near HRC.. Its funny that i missed it cos, i never liked gg there at all frm the beginning. I find that the waiters there are akin to irritating, annoying n detestable hostesses. U noe hostesses, dat dont hv much bookings. Those kind dat hv no looks/style/body/eloquence/professionalism. And mind u, its Waiters oke im talkin abt here, not waitress. Most times, its waitress(read : gerls) who will act sultry, coquettishly and vixen-alike.
Ok, so this is the entry that i wanted so much to blog about, something which i should hv done the moment i get wind of it..
So.. wats with e shit abt Me, abandoning u peeps and always gg out with So-n-So huh? Holy bananas! What fucken crap! Hallo hallo, Pot calling the kettle back ok. Memory refresh pls, who's abandoning who..? Reflect on yrself before u wanna talk abt others. Make sure yr fingers are clean before u start pin-pointing others.
For the record, i am MAD, MAD super-duper offended, upset, dissapointed, bitter, angry, pissed over this whole matter oke. Multiple mixed emotions all at one time. To the extend that i cudnt supressed it any longer, i wailed like a small kid. I was weeping real bad - tersedu2 la oke.! Tears were flowing non-stop like a waterfall. I lost it all. I can no longer kept my cool n withstand it. It gotten so bad that i was literally shaking. To those that saw me during that time, u witnessed it yourself how badly i took it. I cried very bitterly. Surprise-surprise isnt it?? I dont undastand, why after pple treat me so shabbily in this way, i still can bawled over it. I was extremely sad, hurt, agitated and all torn up. Not to mention the anger n the stab-in-the-back i felt. I was even ready to commit murder, i tell ya.
English have this famous idiom : - Never bite the hand that feeds.
Or in old malay classic saying : - Jngn jady mcm kacang lupakan kulit.
I believe, this two saying is adequate enough to let known what my topic here is, isnt it? Its proportionate to me telling you what the real deal is.
Or in old malay classic saying : - Jngn jady mcm kacang lupakan kulit.
I believe, this two saying is adequate enough to let known what my topic here is, isnt it? Its proportionate to me telling you what the real deal is.
I know that all of you are one way or another against me being with Baobei. U pple have the thinking that eversince im w Baobei, i had gone from bad to worst. Hopeless n beyond redemption right ? He had influenced me to do/try many negative things. Things that i always wanted to do, but was refrained by you peeps. I know you guys arent happy that im with him. U pple thinks dat he was e cause of me becoming a J----E.
To each his/her own. Its my own individual self. I wasnt held at gun-point to do or try it. All of it, was entirely out of my willingness. Its purely, solely n only me who wanted it. There's no coercing or intimidating involved.
Even at the chalet, the one where we celeb my bday, we do it cause we wanted it. There wasnt any forcing done. Maybe we could hv brainwashed, psycho or persuade one another but still at the end of the day, only u holds the final decision. U determine whats best n what u ultimately one.
Only you yourself are responsible for your own actions. If you are adamant abt it, u would hv firmly hold on to your stand. No one will cast u aside for that. A true fren will respect yr decision n back u up on it, be it good or bad. Ofcourse, do the neccessary donts or do whichever applicable.
Im not gonna start naming names here. Its gonna be real ugly if names were to be mentioned. Pple might say im accusing them. But deep dwn, i know who hv the final say n who runs the show. I know whose words carry the most weight. I know who are being obligated to follow along cause they hv no choice but to follow blindly cause u hv to take care of so and so feelings. If that , what YOU consider as others respecting YOU, then i seriously PITY u. That is not respect, sweetheart. That is u forcing others to follow what u deem is best. To heed yr advice irrefutably, with no questions asked. That is you making decision for others. Something which they are capable of doing on their own. Their mum send them to school, paid hefty sch fees n the fact that they were born with brains, werent for nothing, you know..
To further aggravate matters, the reason given was very unreasonable. Stop using others as an excuse or a scapegoat. Doesn't mean, someone is available to take e rap, u guys could happily push everything to him. That is very unfair to the one whom u pple blame. For fark sake, im freakin 22.! I am able to see/think n differentiate for my own. Whatever reason u come up with, that is just solely only yr part. Your own thinking n assumption. Unless u peeps cast a vote together, then it will be valid. Otherwise, its null. VOID. U obviously dont hold others in regards. To you, yr word is marked as final. It doesnt go that way, hun. U gotta remember, its not affectin only you but also others. Other's frenship/rship ties with the 'victim' suffered. It cud even be severed. Do u really want that to happen ? Bcos of ur decision, all the others becomes yr victim. Dont u tink u are despicable n cruel ? I think i wudnt be able to face myself if this were to happen to me. I would like to sleep peacefully every night and not with a guilty conscience.
So.. wats with e shit abt Me, abandoning u peeps and always gg out with So-n-So huh? Holy bananas! What fucken crap! Hallo hallo, Pot calling the kettle back ok. Memory refresh pls, who's abandoning who..? Reflect on yrself before u wanna talk abt others. Make sure yr fingers are clean before u start pin-pointing others.
What i cannot take lyin down is that : - it hv alr been pre-decided that i am to be excluded out in the big MAJOR plans of theirs. Meaning to say, frm e beginning, decision alr has been fixed dat i am not be asked along. Am i rite to say dat ? i was thinking, since both events do not clash. Neither in timing nor location. So wat cud be the reason of dem not inviting ? As a matter if fact, its one after the other. At the end of the day, I've concluded that actually it all boils down to yr willingness n sincerity of asking/inviting. The fact dat u dont, dats apparent how u alr cross me outta ur life, 'nuff said.
U guys SO know dat, my nite-scenes is a notch dat i hv always place above the rest. ALWAYS NUMERO UNO. I wudnt never say no to it. Heck, i wud even go against Mak Tiger or even Baobei if they wudnt gv me the go-ahead. And u Precious Ones shud noe very well that u guys are irreplaceable. Regardless of any John/Peter or whoever dat may come along, Party Pples = once irreplaceable, always irreplaceable. I really wonder how did u get the notion dat i prioritize who n what first before my dosage night-scenes. I tot i hv alr mentioned, nothing can/able/may come in btwn w me n my nite-scenes.
And know what the best part is.... Baobei n me were contemplating on gg the same plc dat very same nite. Co-incidence or whatt ?? We were alr dressed for the part. Just imagine, if we were to bump into one another. Unexpectedly turning up uninvited would surely create alot of awkwardness. But it will not lead to a cat-fight, rest assured. Cause i dun stoop to the level of being involved in a public fite, whr countless eyeballs are on us n we becoming the century-butt of joke for evryone. We are FAR beyond dat oke. We hv etiquette, manners, face, pride n class, baby. We dont humiliate ourselves.
So pples... My humble suggestion : - Pls stand infront of a full-length mirror, and ask yrself :
what and who hv u disregard/forsake/desert n walk out on?
Sit n ponder about it. The severe, exceeding change in you is very abrupt.
what and who hv u disregard/forsake/desert n walk out on?
Sit n ponder about it. The severe, exceeding change in you is very abrupt.
I for one strongly believe n am tightly holdin on to my stand that thruout the entire time, i DID NOT ditch nor forget my frens AT ALL. Instead, its the opposite. Its you pple who quit on me. Its you pple who decide to cross me outta yr life. Its you pple who delete n strike me off.
I may not hv the time to go out w u peeps like before, i maybe spending less time w u guys, i may not be as active in smsin u guys or hv convos like how we used to. But one thing for certain, i absolutely did not shun nor cease cntctin all with sudden impact.
When i smsed, u peeps never replied. I try talkin to you like how i always do, u react like im invisible. I still do share my joys/troubles/worries w u peeps. But u guys reacted like u dun wanna gimme e time of e day.
I guess, u guys must hv find me a bore n troubling u all e time w e same old shit, thus that reaction w me. So i mellowed down. I dun wanna be a irritating/annoying pest that caused pple to develop hatred for me. I dun wish to be hated upon. So i figure, its best that i go my own way. Since evryone is pretty much happy n occupied with their own ongoings, then i too seek solace in my own.
I felt alienated, cast-out and bastardised. It hurts much much more den just a stab in the back. But what really spheres thru my heart n hurt like a total son-of-a-bitch was : - i really, honest to god didnt expect this to be coming from you. I mean, out of all the others, out of so many of them.. and yet YOU ? You of all person.. Its very very extremely sad n unexpected. It really left my mouth hanging, gasping in disbelief. I am in shock n was dumbfounded. I cudnt fathom out why was i left out. Wat was e reason i wasnt bein asked along? Intentionally or not, u guys hv collaborated w each other behind my back. And that sucks a great GREAT deal when i gotta noe abt this. Being left out in the loop, felt like you are a outcast, castaway, deportee is not a nice feeling, u noe. Not to mentioned the BETRAYAL feeling dat i have.
hv i really turned into someone that's un-impt/disposable/redundant/dispensable to you?
The years dat we grew up together.. were they all for nothing? dont they count for anything? not even a glimpse of any flashbacks? Someone that u share weal/woe together, no ? Someone whom once said, she got my back.. Someone who was always der for me back den ? Someone who i know i cud count on if anything happens? Someone who i can fall upon when all else fails. Someone dat never fails to make me smile/laff when i came to her crying my harts out. Someone who always offers words of encouragement/advices when i am in dire need of them.
The unspoken tight bond dat i tot we have? Are they just only meant for show?They dont mean a thing to u at all ? Are they only empty words to make me feel betta? The hardship/good/happy times we shared, i guess its not of any insignificance to you. I figure its just as worthless as a piece of used tissue paper. One which u throw scantily when u get a new one. Am i only someone u need when u hv use for me ? And when u hv no use for me, u cast me aside like a worn-out doll? Am i only someone who u look for when u hv troubles that i can help to settle? Am i only being there solely for your own gain? Im there only for your own advantage? Only When the need for me arises?
I must hv been nothing bigger den a green bean in your eyes. Someone that you wudnt even glance at.
The unspoken tight bond dat i tot we have? Are they just only meant for show?They dont mean a thing to u at all ? Are they only empty words to make me feel betta? The hardship/good/happy times we shared, i guess its not of any insignificance to you. I figure its just as worthless as a piece of used tissue paper. One which u throw scantily when u get a new one. Am i only someone u need when u hv use for me ? And when u hv no use for me, u cast me aside like a worn-out doll? Am i only someone who u look for when u hv troubles that i can help to settle? Am i only being there solely for your own gain? Im there only for your own advantage? Only When the need for me arises?
I must hv been nothing bigger den a green bean in your eyes. Someone that you wudnt even glance at.
Matter may alr been weeks over. But Aini is still very much scorned over it. Im still harpin on it, that explains dis long entry. I still am not able to let go. It still hurts n pierce thru me evrytime i tok abt it. I still am taking heart n offence over this. And im not buldging.
This time round, i dont intend on forgiving. Neither am i gonna forget abt the whole thing. Im not gonna be magnanimous n treat it like it never happen. It alr happen, so i cant pretend like this is nothing. Thats self-delusional. I cant just blow it away like that. That is not doing me any justice at all. I fail n disappoint myself if i am so easily-pacified like that. I will let this be a bitter remembrance, something dat i will keep for life.
So be it, if u wanna say im sensitive. I am sensitive n emotional, like this. U dun experience the hurt/betrayal/sadness i felt. U pple cant never imagine or fathom how i felt when i first got to noe abt this. It pricks/pierce/spheres thru my heart a gazillion times knowing that u are behind all this. As i type this long entry, it still very much pained me. But i hv to voice/penned all this out otherwise its ripping me inside. Yes, i am taking it this bad.
And abt Baobei, FYI... he's never the one who tempted/psycho/brainwashed/pushed me to do it. Infact, on the other hand, he tried stopping me evrytime i raised the topic. So for the sake of being fair n just, i believe its ony fair if u leave him outta dis.
He never was the cause or the reason for anything.
If u peeps feel u got probs w me n him being together, GET REAL n deal w me/us personally.
And for those that dont like my Baobei, well.. den its too bad. We wud appreciate if you cud keep the comments to yrself. Have the courtesy of takin other's feelings into consideration.
And for the record, even when i dont like someone or someone's attitute/character, i dun voice out openly to the public n let it known amongst us. i still do hv some basic coutest n some slight consideration.
And to YOU(u noe who u are), i miss you. REALLY. I miss the old you. Can i have the old you bck? I GENUINELY, HONESTLY MISS YOU TRUCKLOADS.
You seems so near but yet so far. U are within arm's reach n eyesight, but i can never seems to reach across to you. I can never be able to get to you. I see you, but i no longer see e gerl dat i once knew. Feels like i know nothing about u now. The same person but yet with a totally different attitute/character/personality. What hppn to the original n real you huh? My gut feeling says dat, Its like u are shutting urself off n cuttin urself clean frm me. Is that really the case? Like something is kinda holding u back frm being close to me like before. If it is so, why are u lettin others dictate all ovr u???
And abt Baobei, FYI... he's never the one who tempted/psycho/brainwashed/pushed me to do it. Infact, on the other hand, he tried stopping me evrytime i raised the topic. So for the sake of being fair n just, i believe its ony fair if u leave him outta dis.
He never was the cause or the reason for anything.
If u peeps feel u got probs w me n him being together, GET REAL n deal w me/us personally.
And for those that dont like my Baobei, well.. den its too bad. We wud appreciate if you cud keep the comments to yrself. Have the courtesy of takin other's feelings into consideration.
And for the record, even when i dont like someone or someone's attitute/character, i dun voice out openly to the public n let it known amongst us. i still do hv some basic coutest n some slight consideration.
And to YOU(u noe who u are), i miss you. REALLY. I miss the old you. Can i have the old you bck? I GENUINELY, HONESTLY MISS YOU TRUCKLOADS.
You seems so near but yet so far. U are within arm's reach n eyesight, but i can never seems to reach across to you. I can never be able to get to you. I see you, but i no longer see e gerl dat i once knew. Feels like i know nothing about u now. The same person but yet with a totally different attitute/character/personality. What hppn to the original n real you huh? My gut feeling says dat, Its like u are shutting urself off n cuttin urself clean frm me. Is that really the case? Like something is kinda holding u back frm being close to me like before. If it is so, why are u lettin others dictate all ovr u???
**i noe i am a bad/negative influence to many, but i am not dat cruel, evil or wicked to bring my loved ones to their dwfall n doom.**
PS : i realised that i like to pen super duper massive long entries nowadays. I think my calling for a writer or scriptwriter has come-a-calling. Heheks!
** DISCLAIMER **
** DISCLAIMER **
While penning this entry down, the writer(READ : ME) have no intention to hurt or target anyone in mind or specifically in general. Whatever is typed here is up to the writer's best-est direct version. Its as blunt, as unconcealed, as explicit that the writer could think of. Pls be advised that the writer is very outspoken n holds no barred when writing/talking The writer is too tired n no longer interested to play e game of beating ard the bush. Pls do bear in mind that the writer also holds no grudges. She may not forgive or forget but currently as of now, she doesnt nurse nor bears any grudges.yet :)
The writer solely doesnt harbour any purpose or motive to incur anyone's wrath. Whatever u read here may not seem like what u make it out to be in yr mind. The writer writing n thinking is complex at times. She has a mind of her own, so you may or may not identify the need to read in between the lines. Kindly be remembered that the writer has already tried her ultimate VERY best to relate everything as straightforward as possible. The writer wont be held responsible if there are any conflicts/contradicting details abt this entry. This is the finest n onlly knowledge/information with regards to the entry.
No names are allowed to be mentioned as all those are involved are still minors under the eyes of the writer. The writer's decision is final. In an event, should there be readers who want to voice out any differences/grievances that they may have, they are more then welcome to leave their worthless 2cents tots at the TagBoard.
PS : the writer is about too turn into an imsomaniac in due time. She has been sleeping in timing like anytime frm 7+am to 12+pm. And thats bad. Real bad.
Suggestion : - could try counting some lame lambs/sheeps. = )
Suggestion : - could try counting some lame lambs/sheeps. = )
PPS : - i hv a cousin bday bash to attend later, not to mention gazillion of hseworks due to be done by Yours Truly and here i am, happily typing away, still not turnin in yet.! Teehee. When Sat comes, my eyes/brain/sleeping pattern n timing noes what they shud do. Gotten meself accustomed to it alr. Huhu! (^_^)
The writer is retreatin for the day. Time check : 10:35am, Sunday 20th Dec 2009.
The writer is currently obsessed with : Duri Terlinding by the late Nike Ardilla.
The writer is currently obsessed with : Duri Terlinding by the late Nike Ardilla.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Baobei !
IVE GOT SO MUTHA-FARKIN truckloads to be blogged about.
and yes, i need no reminder dat this blog of mine is SO SO dead.
So, here am i, back for updates.
**nvm e fact dat i noe, there's no one who actually read my pathetic blog nowadays**
I realise, he does things the reverse way, which kinda makes him hard to fathom. At times, i really hv no idea at all what's gg on his head. His yes n his no is always very misleading. IAt first, its hard to tell which is which. But now? Its all at my fingertips n at the back of my mind. i can easily identify which is, he testin the waters n which is for real. All it takes is just time, some effort, patience, understanding, research n monitoring. In short, i had done my homework n i topped the class with a A* distinction! My hard work paid off and i am now reaping the fruits of my labour. And that is a very SU-WEET feeling!
Ok, say u are blessed w happiness, u hv a happily-ever-after ending.. so, what comes after marriage? Live in your own world, that only two of u exist? Then i presume, there wud be no wedding reception, cause u delete all yr entire contacts when u decide to be together ? No one to congratulate u on yr wedding, no one to celebrate yr bby 1st mth cause u pple hv no use for frens/families. No workin colleagues dat's gonna come cos in yr eyes, they never exist . They're just like blocks of wood who come to e same office w u, clock in n clock out when the time is up. Family are there for the sake of family ties, that is if there's still family members who wanna come n depending if u do invite dem, cause u hv since shut them outta yr life.
--------------------------------- BACK ON TRACK PLS !! ------------------------------
Okayokay, on a serious note, what we do is : -
and yes, i need no reminder dat this blog of mine is SO SO dead.
So, here am i, back for updates.
**nvm e fact dat i noe, there's no one who actually read my pathetic blog nowadays**
Some of the following : --
* bumped into Wawa at Bugis today. Man, she surely has changed drastically. Very drastically, i must say.
* Saw Ayie, Coco's small bro last wkend. He has grown up now. He didnt recog me, but yet he knew Baobei. That bonch is sure famous.
* Suprisingly, im now FRENS w someone whom last time i wanted to drag her blardy arse face on e road -- ( Truth be told, im ony gvg Baobei face. Honestly. God noes how i am SO-anti her. )
* Bumped into Sheila Chubby few wks ago, or was it alr a mth ?
* Saw my 1st love during my sec sch yrs at Geylang Bazaar during the holy mth of Ramadhan. N i cudnt recog him! Surprise-surprise! It took me more den just a few looks at him to pinpoint who the hell is he.
* e 1st love mentioned above EX acknowledged me. Now, after so many yrs had passed.? Why n for what, i wonder. *aini shakes head* N u noe at whr ? My workplace, no less.! Keppel is indeed a place to rekindle old times ehh. She rang me up personally. I ony hv 1 word to say - WOW. Its really really unexpected n not essential at all. For e record, I dun hv e slightest interest to reminisce old memories for now.
* Bumped into many of my old sec sch mates, internet mates lately.
* Big Chicken is back in my life.
* So is Neil Azhar. ( why do pple come altogether all at the same time huh ? )
* Mr JM is back in Sgp
* I kinda miss ApitBaby.
* Happy belated bday to Yan. = )
* I MISS FARABI. TRUCKLOADS. WHERE HAVE U M.I.A HUH DUDE ???
* Youngest Bro had been circumsized. Like finally. Ok, i know this is so totally irrelevant. Hee.
* Saw Ayie, Coco's small bro last wkend. He has grown up now. He didnt recog me, but yet he knew Baobei. That bonch is sure famous.
* Suprisingly, im now FRENS w someone whom last time i wanted to drag her blardy arse face on e road -- ( Truth be told, im ony gvg Baobei face. Honestly. God noes how i am SO-anti her. )
* Bumped into Sheila Chubby few wks ago, or was it alr a mth ?
* Saw my 1st love during my sec sch yrs at Geylang Bazaar during the holy mth of Ramadhan. N i cudnt recog him! Surprise-surprise! It took me more den just a few looks at him to pinpoint who the hell is he.
* e 1st love mentioned above EX acknowledged me. Now, after so many yrs had passed.? Why n for what, i wonder. *aini shakes head* N u noe at whr ? My workplace, no less.! Keppel is indeed a place to rekindle old times ehh. She rang me up personally. I ony hv 1 word to say - WOW. Its really really unexpected n not essential at all. For e record, I dun hv e slightest interest to reminisce old memories for now.
* Bumped into many of my old sec sch mates, internet mates lately.
* Big Chicken is back in my life.
* So is Neil Azhar. ( why do pple come altogether all at the same time huh ? )
* Mr JM is back in Sgp
* I kinda miss ApitBaby.
* Happy belated bday to Yan. = )
* I MISS FARABI. TRUCKLOADS. WHERE HAVE U M.I.A HUH DUDE ???
* Youngest Bro had been circumsized. Like finally. Ok, i know this is so totally irrelevant. Hee.
I hv multiple mixed feelings about some stuffs which i hv been sittin on for quite some time. Figure its best if i blogged it all out.
My Baobei. Evryone who's close to me, u pple shud noe we hv no beginning. So needless to say, we definitely hv no ending. That goes without sayin isnt it ? We're stagnant like this. Nothing official. Truthfully, 9 outta 10 times, i prefer it this way. Cos i know, i hv probs in commiting. I feel e pressure of being in a rship. Thou i dun deny, sometimes i wish we were in one. Im self-contradicting aint i ? I figure, couples nowadays are on auto-mode arent they ? Or no ? I dunnoe how many milestones we hv reached so far. But its indeed a far cry frm what i've imagined. Sometimes, he suprised me with his actions n words. I know i always say talk is cheap. But the fact dat he voiced out some certain things which i dont foresee, it somehow makes a diff wen u're experiencing it urself. Lying or not, that, only he n The-Great-One above knew.
Sometimes, he surpassed what i expect of him. Take for instance, we hv since gone public. And he's the one who initiated it. I never thought that wud ever happen. Not even in my nite-dreams or daytime-sandcastle-building, i swear. Randomly He asked me out, afterwhich wen we reach e destination he told me one of his brader was der too, we can go out like on a dbl date. I was so taken aback that i asked him to repeat it several times n i cudnt help but be curious n kept on askin why. He was so pissed off at me during that time. Well, its not fully 100% public yet, but like almost 80-90%. I noe u pple may say : - PUBLIC ?? WTF, does this girl think she's some kind of hollywood A-star celeb..? Ok here is the real deal, readers : - (read yr fill, n undastsand it. betta make sure u do, otherwise, it wud be defeatin the whole purpose on why im so enthusiastic abt dis topic.)
Well, ours is a kinda isolated/weird/peculiar/abnormal case that may not be dat rare to some. It was nothing near easy frm the beginning. Going public means a big thing to us. :) The shit dat both of us went thru before we reach to our current comfy zone now, was nowhere near wonderful or a mind-blowing one. Instead, it was somethin dat was nauseous, start-of-a-migrane, one-which-caused-u-to-vomit-n-hv-nitemares. It was filled with loads of negativity, multiple brain-washing frm various pple, mind-poisonin frm various sources, pple drifitn us apart n creating a wedge btwn us, others gvg us their 2 cents worth which i dun think is neccessary or relevant, whats w me bein one of his so-called close fren's EX which in turn kinda tarnish my reputation, and to top it off, that fren of his scarred me for abit n pretty much scare me causing me to back off frm dating for quite a period of time, which is also the reason of me bein extra, EXTRA, EXTRA cautious. [*When in actual real fact, i wanted to get to noe him first before that arsehole. But he alr passed me e verdict of dead sentence after hearin frm one side ony.So unfair n unjust. **okay, u so do not wanna get me started on this topic, i cud go on forever, really. Typing like its for a new drama script. Keke. ]
Plus words can start fly ard, sayin im someone who's cheap/loose/immoral who flings frm one to another etc. Some pple can be really downrite cruel n malicious w their words. Words are very deadly. Never belittle it. Its enuff to be a start of a chaotic destruction disaster. Things was pretty bad. We hv to go out together on the sly, not letting anyone know, like a criminal who's on e run whose life is on the nook. He hv to save my name under some other alias to avoid suspicion. Then there's e annoying question which both of us dread to answer. And wen i bumped into him outside w one of his fren whiom i also knew, i had to pretend n ask who is he. Like a formal tete-a-tete, im bla n bla. He's so n so. What crap! That kinda shit, u noe. And those dat i mentioned above are ony pittance of it. There still are others which is impossible for u to fathom n imagine. Even up-to-date, i still have some of the silly disturbances goin on, n chances are it wont stop, but rather it will be continuous.
For now, i can safely say, we hv gone thru some thick/thin, bad/gd moments. We're not rili gd in expressin what our feelings are but we do communicate alot. Communication is very vital to me. He's gd n bad in his own ways. All of us are, isnt it ? At times, i find that i hv a love-hate thing gg on with him. We hv our fair share of ugly fites. Really very soapy, emotional, drama-mama fugly fites, but like any other, we wud always make up afterwhich. N dat makes us bond stronger. During this few mths, i began to realise, he somehow hv toned down my ego for a fair bit over time. Very shocking n unbelievable indeed. Comparin the old aini n the current one, i myself hv personally seen many vast changes n some improvements in me. My closest ones too hv mentioned it to me several, multiple times. Its been said, its better to lose yr ego over someone u love rather den to lose someone u love over yr ego. . After my last-never-to-be-mentioned-or-shared-with-anyone rship, the one which made my life topsy-turvy to the extent ill i nearly lose my sanity, i of all person shud know way better about the above saying. If you are wonderin or asking, we do hv our sweetest moments too, which i think i shall not divulge here, otherwise some may think im really praising him to the skies. Ok, maybe i'll just blogged about some ..
I realise, he does things the reverse way, which kinda makes him hard to fathom. At times, i really hv no idea at all what's gg on his head. His yes n his no is always very misleading. IAt first, its hard to tell which is which. But now? Its all at my fingertips n at the back of my mind. i can easily identify which is, he testin the waters n which is for real. All it takes is just time, some effort, patience, understanding, research n monitoring. In short, i had done my homework n i topped the class with a A* distinction! My hard work paid off and i am now reaping the fruits of my labour. And that is a very SU-WEET feeling!
More often then not, he's always unexpected, very unpredictable n unforeseen. No typical sucking up, honey coated words or sweet-acts. We are not a fan of public display of affection. No manje2 eh, we save that for BRM talk/activities. *evil cheeky smile. Huhu.* To me, PDA is so the norms, very common n boring. There are some who may find it's loving n such. Sometimes, we do too hv very minimal PDA. There's a sayin, Great Mind thinks alike. N we share e same mindset! Like by sudden kissing me by surprise, that will totally swept me off the feet.! Hallo, u are caught unalarmed n off-guard oke! [[Imagine, u are at the up-moving escalator with many pple, he's infront of u, u are standing bhind him, den SUDDENLY n VERY unexpectedly, he turned n kissed u on the lips, and move on to the forehead n etc.. Bet u wud be jolted like a thunderbolt n be blushing like how i was.! I was as red as a lobster, i tell ya! I was literally dumbfounded but astounded in awed. (*_*).]] As i say, we're both kinda shy-shy, u see. (^_^) We say/do things directly indirect. I bet u peeps dun undastand what i meant w e word - directly indirect.
Only when it come to feelings, our mouths wud be super-glued tightly. We are somehow shy n hv no idea how to convey it across . Usually when its abt feelings, we drop very subtle hints. We usually say it, in btwn words or behind sentences. But fortunately, we both undastand what each party is driving at. Thats what i think, telepathy is. Ceywayyyy aini... telepathy seyyy !! Huahua! Ony wen 1 party gets too long-winded ( which most of the time is, none-other den Yours Truly of course), or digressed, be it intentionally or no, den the other one will interrupt n asked to stop beating ard the bush n cut to the chase - Something which i feel shud hv been done frm the very beginning, time/effort/saliva-consuming, no brain-twisting required & simpler. The more u talk/think, the more it will lead to much confusing complications - agree ??
Sometimes, he do things dat i really didnt anticipate. In some pple's eyes which i tink i know who and to others, he may be a bad/rotten jerk who is out to toy with my feelings n cheat me of my pennies n dimes. However, no, thats not the case. That wasnt the impression he gv me. Ok maybe, he may hv flirt with some other chicas, hv other gerls goin out with him, ladies callin n smsin him n stuffs. Its ony fair if i dun intrude on his pvt space. Im all for hvg frens of e other gender when u're attached. That is not a valid reason for you to ditch all yr male/female frens. That is yr own personal circle of frens dat i dun wanna refrain you frm having. I too hv frens of the opp sex gg out w me, callin me n etc..
To me, So long as you know what your limitations are and you know what are your dos n donts, then im perfectly fine with it. Dont do things dat you dont want others to do to u. Be smart n wise enuff, also bear in mind dat u cant be too promiscuous or coquettish. Play yr cards right, and this wont be a problem in yr rship. Im sure u do not want yr other half to be flirting with some Jane or Mary, so likewise, u dont do the same thing with any Tom/Dick or Harry.
To me, So long as you know what your limitations are and you know what are your dos n donts, then im perfectly fine with it. Dont do things dat you dont want others to do to u. Be smart n wise enuff, also bear in mind dat u cant be too promiscuous or coquettish. Play yr cards right, and this wont be a problem in yr rship. Im sure u do not want yr other half to be flirting with some Jane or Mary, so likewise, u dont do the same thing with any Tom/Dick or Harry.
Plant this thought in yr mind : - The world is round. What goes around will definitely comes around. It may not be now, but sooner or later it will still come n get u. U mite hv forgotten abt it, it will strike u when u least expect it. That's how Karma works bebehh.
**Get this stemmed in your brain, it serves as a deterrent before u harbour any harsh, evil cruel plans up yr sleeve.!**
**Get this stemmed in your brain, it serves as a deterrent before u harbour any harsh, evil cruel plans up yr sleeve.!**
U dun just drop the whole entire whole, shun all yr existing frens/families or cease all contacts for the sake of yr partner/rship rite? That is absurb! If things are not working out n u decided to split yr ways, arent u the one at the losing end.? U wud hv absolutely NO ONE. U gotta nurse yr own broken heart, sing yr own heart-breaking emo shit super-dead SLOW songs, gorge yrself silly w chocolates till u're obese like Fat Bustard, cry yrself to sleep evrynite till dat become yr daily routine lullaby while huggin dat cheapskate bear he bought, hoping he'll come back running to you?? Awwww.. what a pathetic little shit u are, u anti-social loner! Yr gt yr just deserts, if u ask me. U jolly well hv this coming. So u deserve it. U create n dig yr own misery "grave." Nothing last forever baby. Nothing is for eternal or infinity. Get real!
Ok, say u are blessed w happiness, u hv a happily-ever-after ending.. so, what comes after marriage? Live in your own world, that only two of u exist? Then i presume, there wud be no wedding reception, cause u delete all yr entire contacts when u decide to be together ? No one to congratulate u on yr wedding, no one to celebrate yr bby 1st mth cause u pple hv no use for frens/families. No workin colleagues dat's gonna come cos in yr eyes, they never exist . They're just like blocks of wood who come to e same office w u, clock in n clock out when the time is up. Family are there for the sake of family ties, that is if there's still family members who wanna come n depending if u do invite dem, cause u hv since shut them outta yr life.
Ur thinking is locked that Yr undying love for each other n solely e two of u is sufficient for evrything? All other things are deem as not essential.? Okay okay.. maybe dats a little far-fetch la kan. But my point is, we all need frens. You life doesnt revolves ard u n yr partner only. Frens serves alot of motives in life. Networkin/frens n family relations n ties is equivalent as impt as yr other half. They're vital, essential, critical, crucial, substantial. They're a primary staple n a grave must-have core in life. This is something that should go without saying. But, Love is blind, or in my take, my personal opinons, Loves make u blind. :)
This is just my own 2cent's worth, im not demanding that all shud agree w me. Just that i feel its inane n moronic for either party to do that, i mean, why abandon yr entire circle of frens over someone whom u hv no idea if they're gonna stick w u all e way to the end. Pple change in a twinkling of an eye. In a split second, u may find that u no longer know him/her anymore. There's no telling or stopping if one is adamant on changing. Boys/frens, its all e same. Both may come n go. Some may stay n stick it out, some may throw in the towel halfway. The world os filled with many many pples with different characters n personality. It all boils dwn to each individual self, i guess. How u choose yr fren/partner plays a great deal. Oh well, to each his own. Im running away frm my topic further n further.
--------------------------------- BACK ON TRACK PLS !! ------------------------------
Come to think of it, If he really hv the intention to cheat me of my money, why wait till now.? If he wanted to toy with me or rather to get back at me on his fren behalf (which i tink is really uncalled-for, im the victim back den, never dat arsehole!), he cud hv done it, in the early stages, why bother to drag the whole tink this far ? If u pple are guessing that maybe he's waiting for his bday to be over, so dat he can rcvd his pressies, and afterwhich he's gonna ditch me. Well, it cud go both ways. Either a yes or a no. But my take is : - If he hv intention of doin that, He cud hv done it eons ago. As I dun wait for his bday to come ONY to gv him stuffs, n neither does he. Whenver i see tinks dat reminds me of him, i will auto get it fer him. N i believe the same goes for him too. This, i can say it with full confidence cause he had done it for Yours Truly. :)
**But nobody says no to presents rite? So why shud he turn it down eh ? Just a matter of few more wks or so, he mite as well wait kan ?**
**But nobody says no to presents rite? So why shud he turn it down eh ? Just a matter of few more wks or so, he mite as well wait kan ?**
Oh wells. If that is really his ultimate plan n motive, den goody n kudos for him. Ala...... Come what may, if the worst really happen, atleast i know n i experience it for myself, how hurting the fall is and how hard it is for me to get up again. Im like that, i prefer to fall on my own, i appreciate pple concerns n worries over me. But i like to experience it for myself, so i can be remembered of how the unberable pain is. I gotta feel the pain myself. That doubles up as a lesson very well learnt n well embedded in mind. The more pple tell me to back off n step down, to avoid getting hurt, the more im adamant about not heedin e advice. Its reverse psychology dah-lings. :)
Ok so, He may or may not hv an ulterior motive, that i cant really tell or able to find out. I dun deny dat initially i also hv the thinking dat he's just the same like any other. I know, im being very judgemental here. Apologies, but wen it comes to matters like dis, im selfish. I place myself in top numero uno always, solely only ME before others. *(u cant blame me for that hokay ?! Im once bitten, twice shy. Its natural n a must for one to be cautious before taking the leap. U dun just jump into something without doing some recce-ing.)* But he proved me wrong. Im not defending him, neither am i speaking up for him. Nor am i painiting a nice n wonderful picture of him, i believe i did mention somewhere in this long entry dat he hv his EEEWWW, me-hating-him-to-the-core, him-breakin-my-heart-to-mini-tiny-pieces, i-hoping-that-he-just-drop-dead-n-bloody-rot-in-hell attitude too.
But at the end of the day, Yours-Truly is the one goin thru e hardship/luxurious/cloud-nine/seventh-heaven/depressing/upsetting/maddening/pissed-off/saddening times with him. Im the one who's 24hrs a day, 7days a wk, 30+- days in a month with him, so i know what's best. Casting affection aside, i've wisen up alr, i wont let me by my own downfall. I know what works best n what is good for me. I know when to pull n push. Trust me, i wont let myself be a victim to stupidity caused by me. That is very downrite stupid. Only someone with a smaller than pea-sized brain wud voluntarily n gladly let her own self be a victim.
He hv done it all, He have made me cried tears of anger/happiness/sadness/dissapointment and all other emotions dat u can think of. At times, he try his very best to accedes to almost all my sometimes-silly-n-nonsensical whims, but ony whenever he think its reasonable n possible.
He scolds like a parent, nags like a mum, stern like most dads, cares like a nurse, hv WORLD- CLASS CHAMPION patience like a social worker, supervise like a teacher, advices like an advisor, irritates like my bros, offend me like an enemy, counsel me like a counsellor, pamper me like a small bby, indulge in my silly-stupid moments/requests, dropped me sentence(s) like a judge on a hearing trial, blame me like a lawyer, interrogate me like a CID officer, question me like he dun hv any trust on me, cheers me up like a clown, made me smile frm ear to ear, suprises me like a magician, made me pull long faces longer den Pinocchio nose, cooks like a Chef, made me laff till my cheeks n stomach are in pain (at times till i cried too,), meticulous like a auditor, plans like a planner, made me cried like im a BIG-TIME SINNER who is beyond redemption, pass snide n sarcastic remarks like im indifferent, is muthafarkin excessively jealous like im constantly flirtin infront of him, making me jealous n makin me witness it like i am heartless n devoid of all other emotions, perks me up like an Energizer batt, boost up my confidence level till im so full of myself, and brings me back to rough soils on Earth when my head is way too up in the sky, protects me like he's a bouncer, shield me like an armour, shines me up like the sun, praise me to the Saturn, makes me happy to see that smile on my face,
brighten me like a colourful rainbow, apologise as if today is my last day on earth (ony applicable when its is fault), reminds me like a buzzing reminder, jokes like a joker who is well-liked by many, entertains me like a circus entertainer, exact revenge in an excessively much evil way, amuse me with his antics/actions/words like he's a veteran comedian, alarms me like a alarm clock complete with snoozing, speaks up for me like a well-known speaker, decides like he hv the final say - all e time!, control me when im uncontrollable, is SUPER DUPER stubborn till i am at e brink of giving up sometimes, insist on getting his way holding no regards for others, testin my patience till i lost myself, makes my blood boils till im about to burst a blood vessel, lies to me thru his teeth without feeling guilty, do ludicrous things till i am turning Green like Hulk, listens to me like in a listenin comprehension test, complains worst den a typical auntie, gossip like a Mami Jarum, bitched abt others like he's super perfect, nurture n instill more patience in me, manage my anger like in a anger-mgmt class, tolerate my at-times unreasonable, intoleratable, farking attitude, endure my farked-up spiteful words n mood swings, motivates like an avid NDP motivator, persuades likes the Never-Say-Die battery which was advertised, cracks me up like a bottle opener, encourages like a principal who's fully commited.
My Baobei, that's what he's like. In short, to me : - He's all in one, one in a million at times, both in e gd n e bad ways. He tries to be there whenever n wherever i need him. It may not be physically all the time, but i feel his presence everytime when the need arises. Be it thru phone conversations or SMSes.. I never tell him this, but i do appreciate having him by my side. Both in good or bad times. He never left me alone to fend for myself. But he also did not place me in numero uno position, im also not anything above the rest. I dun wish, am neither curious nor keen to know wat's my current standin in his life now. *(some things are best left unspoken.) Let's just say, he's gd with priorities. I dun feel left out/alienated or like an outcast while with his frens/family etc.
One thing that im assured, he cares for me, for my welfare, my well-being, my relationship ties w family n frens. Genuinely. Not fake or being plastic. He will ask abt so and so after i tell him about our concurrent going-on(s). Out of his own initiative, he will ask, not thru me. If he hv their cntcts, he wud liase directly. When he's buyin stuffs/food, if i happen to be there w my relatives/frens, he will auto get it for them as well. Dats thoughtful isnt it ? Tell me, hw many reprep(s) can u find doin dat nowadays?? He make it a point to ensure dat im hm safely evrytime after im out w him. In one occasion, he cudnt send me to e bus-stop as his family is fetching him. He make sure his blood : his trusted bro, to do the task for me. And to his blood to walk off only after im safely in e bus n after e bus has drove off.
No, he's not vying for a good spot in my book, he didnt bragged or was boastful abt it. He do it becaouse he wants to do it outta his own initiative. Everytime, i get to know abt this, its frm the opposite party itself. Like my relative wud informed me dat he smsed, was concerned n wud ask wat is the next followin step. Then he on the hand, wud make sure, i follow up on it n update him. At times, i kinda find him being a busybody. Meddling too much when he's not suppose to. Its not like everyone likes others poking their nose into the-affected parties.
Having said all this, i still can differentiate btwn him n my Precious Ones. Once irreplaceable, always irreplaceable oke, Precious Ones. Pple say, its nice n lucky to be in love w yr best fren. He's akin to my best fren, my close buddy, my bitchin partner, my listenin ear, my woes partner, my daily laughing pill, my at-times heart-wrecking fren, my sobbin partner, and my once-in-a-blue-moon God-reminding-n-God-fearing fren.
He knows where to get me at my weakest, my strongest, my saddest, my happiest. And thats all that matters. Happiness is ony short-lived. So treasure it while u still can. I've come to a stage where i dont wanna to be sad/depress over something which i hv no clue will happen or no, so i rather cherish what im having on my plate currently. Im living for the present. Not the past nor future. The past has already gone. U can only learn frm it n let it remain as memories. For the future, u can only hope n plan. But sometimes, hoping n planning too much doesnt always proves to be good. You mite end up dissapointed. Many a times, u tend to let yrself be too hopeful, wout u realising it. With hopes comes expectations. When u cant live up to yr own expectations dat u ownself set without u noticing it, when thing come crushing down, the impact will hit u rili hard.
So conclusion : - TO LIVE FOR THE PRESENT.
I may not be his officially girl-friend. He did not voice me out to be his special one. Im not officially his. Both of us are neither each other's property. (we are not commodity, to begin with) We have no anniversary. We dont do monthsary too. No buying of those mthly or annual presents. No counting of how many days we're together. I am not his girl. We're not in a relationship, but one thing for sure, he sure make me feel like im his n im in one. Only a much amazing, fantastic, fantasy-alike, no-commitment, no pressure, stress-free one.
What we do is, we count the hours we're together n we celebrate weeksary. *wide smile*
**U pple do noe, dat im jokin w the above sentence kan ? **
**U pple do noe, dat im jokin w the above sentence kan ? **
Okayokay, on a serious note, what we do is : -
We will hogged on the phone for almost 2-10 or more hrs daily. 2 being the most mininum. A day wont go by comfortably when we dont hogged on the phone. And no, we never run out of topics. We go dine at places whr both of us hv nvr went before, introducing each other to food/place which the other party hv not try out. Venturing out activities, places dat both of us are clueless abt. Doing 1st-time activities that we hv never do before like : - me following him on his delivery rounds at work, feedin him economic rice in his c/o vech while he busy sending goods, gg to places dat are semi out of reach which i find is scenic n unique. Heard of Sungai Tengah ? I bet u dont. Doing things for the 1st time always leave a deeper n lasting memories arent they ?
We remember when we took our 1st pics together, where was it taken, when did he first held my hands, when did he say those magical words,(ony wen we both truly mean it which is completed with actions to prove, not just yr cheap empty talks eh. Action speaks louder den wrds kan? This is action combined w words. Lethal enuff ?), when was the first time he spout vulgarities at me, wat caused it n what vulgarities did he spout, when/where/why we had our biggest,ugliest fite ever, den hw we wud make up after it, when e first time i lied to him n wat was it abt, wen he made me cried non-stop for days n wat was it abt, how he pull a prank on me which i took it very very bad, when did he first slammed the phone on me, when did he first raise his voice at me, when did i go against his words, when did i do things dat he dont know/dont approve, why i did not inform him dat his bros look for him thru me, why i reply to his bros msgs/calls without consulting or informin him, why i did not come clean or confess to him on some certain things, when was e first time i do things behind his back, why i did not linform him when his bro rang me up n hv quite a convo.
You know, those small, itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny, minor, secondary stuffs. It may seem like its no-biggie, something which others find insiginificant. But its holds a very meaningful reason to us. Its the small acts like this, or normal words dat others find boring dat livens up our situation.
We are happy like this. We are very comfy at the stage we're in now. I dont need others to worry/wreck their brains for me constantly questioning if im his gf, andwats our current status yada yada yada.. I appreciate u peeps concern, really i do, but leave that to me to ponder. Im alr 22, capable of makin decisions of my own. :)
Thanks, but no thanks.
Thanks, but no thanks.
I need no bouquet of rose, stacks of banknotes, sweet sugary honey-coated lips, cutesy bears, or high end expensive chocs to make me a delightful gerl. I believe he too dont need fanciful watches, brandeds wallets, hundreds dollars shoes, limited editions tees/caps to make him a grinning guy. **thou it wud be nice, if we cud hv it** Hee. :D
To quote someone very dear n precious to me (but somehow, my gut feeling abt 98% says that she no longer treats/see me like before, instead i tink she alr strike me with a BIG RED CROSS OUTTA her life. ) : As long as at the end of the day, we're still together, NOTHING else matters.
He's happy, Im happy, We're happy. Thats enough.
*** i wanted to blog about another entry, which i was feelin very much upset, bastardized, stab in the back, mad farkin angry, farkin farkin sad about. But i type all e way abt Baobei till this long, so im gonna save dat entry to the next one.
**i am so mad mad in love w Bad Romance. (For the record, im not having a case of Bad Romance ehh)
**Da pukul 12.05pm now, aku nk tdo. Aku da mcm kalahkan orng yg balik ZoukOut pah? Lol!
**i am so mad mad in love w Bad Romance. (For the record, im not having a case of Bad Romance ehh)
**Da pukul 12.05pm now, aku nk tdo. Aku da mcm kalahkan orng yg balik ZoukOut pah? Lol!
