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Saturday, December 26, 2009

First n foremost, i appreciate u replyin. Frm the bottom of my heart and honestly, i truly appreciate it.
Thanks for takin the time to read n reply. I wasnt expectin u or anyone to still read my blog thou.

About the chalet issue, apologies on my part if u felt that way. I sincerely hv no intention at all to make u guys feel neglected. I overlooked matters, my bad. The thought of me, not entertaining u peeps didnt occurred to me at all. I am under the impression that u guys dont like Baobei n his fren being there. I am stucked in between, u see. One is my Baobei, while the other is my Precious Party Peoples. I figured, u guys wudnt mind me stickin with him as u guys got each other's company while they're just the 2 of them. Looks like, my assumption is so dead wrong. But trust me, i genuinely hv no intention of makin u pple come dwn all e way for nothing n brushing u guys aside.

U shud hv talked to me about this earlier. If u hadnt mention it now, i forever wudnt had known that somehow in regardless of with intention or no/ indirectly or not/ with or wout motive, on my part, i had caused u guys to felt that way. I wiould be kept in the dark n outta the loop till eternity! So.. Now, who's bottling things up here huh?

Sometimes, we need others to point out the mistakes that we had done. We dont always see where we had gone wrong n astray. To us, it may be nothing and its not an issue, but others may not feel likewise n see it the same way. Not everyone share the same mindset with one another. We learn from n by mistakes, so we dont repeat it. Its been said, u dun fell at the same spot twice. The same applies for this : a duplication of the alike is uncalled for.

I still SO much feel the urge to text u when anything/everything arises. Even the smallest, tiniest thing, U wud always be the 1st person to come to mind. Its like a auto-reflex action. However, I beat n supressed my desire to go lookin for u bcos, as stated in my prev entry.. u are so near but yet so far.. U are un-attainable and unreachable.

U are like gazillion of distances far away from me. I no longer feel i can reach across to u. Maybe its just me, but i hv e feeling that im a hindrance and a nuisance to u, somewho's who botherin u with all the nity-grity silly stuffs. Face the fact, Im alr 22 and i always go running to u sharing n flooding u w everything. Where in actual fact, i , the older one should be the one on e standby for u, and not the other way round.

Somehow i just hv the feeling, dat at some point of another, u see me as : AINI = BAD NEWS.. Or anytime in the future, u wud begin to see me like that. U noe it best, my imagination always goes beyond my control, thus that kinda thinking.

It's not that i do not wanna share my life stories w u anymore. Dont get me wrong. Im not shunning u off. U are like being shield under a invisible protective layer that others cant get past thru. One which will bounce u off when u get near it,something that will bounced back on u n hit it right back at ya, in yr face!

Simply put, u're something dat screams : NO BYPASSING ALLOWED. INTRUDERS WILL BE ELECTROCUTED.

Talking to u nowadays seems nowhere near possible. Even goin thru Guerilla Warfare in e jungle isnt as complex, formidable and strenous when comparing talkin to u.

To hold a nice convo wout interruption with u lately, is a no-picnic event, one that is highly prohibitive, dat constantly will have eyes watching. Something which can only be done on e sly. And when triggered wrongly or when irrelevant authorites dat may come upon knowing, it will detonate like an flaming erupting volcano with a loud BANG.!

Something which carries an impact that comes with extreme dire consequences. Consequences like a Earth-shaking/shattering/wrecking/demolising gigantic EarthQuake or a jumbo Tsunami with Gargantuan/enormous/monstrous/tremendous/KILLER waves.

Yes, physically u may be there, but mentally..u are not. God knows where yr mind has floated off to! Feels as thou im talkin to a block of wood. (not that im referrin u as e wood, ofcourse!) When i talked to u, u see me, but u dont really see me. U see pass thru me. Like im invisible, or rather, like i dont exist and am not standin/sittin/talkin infront of u.

At times u may respond, but yr response are unlike you. Its not yr normal way of answering. U are only responding for the sake of responding. To put it harshly, its just to acknowledge whatever crap i had just delivered to u. U may not realise it, but yr reaction make others think dat they are troubling u.

I noe that eventho u are w someone 24/7, u never disregard ur dearest(s). Recalling back, u were w Coco n the rest in the past, but this is the first time dat im encountering this situation with you. Its only now, that i felt immensely very slighted. While i understand that yr partner may want n keep u all by herself, this however is not going the rite way.

Evry couple who's in love yearns for that. I dont deny, that i too wished n longed for it. But of course, not to the extent of makin pple arnd yr surroundings hv the notion that they're being ignored, depreciate n dismiss for gd. Thou i must also emphasise, this might not be applicable to all. I cant speak for all when it comes to this. What i felt may not necessarily be what others felt. Others may not experience the vibes im getting.

I dun expect u to be there for me like always, cause i understand that now u are in a rship. N no, dun get me mistaken, im not against it. Thou sometimes, honestly speaking, i dont approve of the way u guys handle situations n how u dealt w issues but i know, i hv no say over it so its best to zipup n hush-hush! I understand that, now u hv commitments, hv to spent time w yr other half, hv mushy2 moments with "the-one", that honeymoon period, the regular fites, those normal occasional stress, the lovey-dovey times, those loving occasion, the private-u&me time, and all the other etcs dat comes along in a rship..

I just hope that u dont cast n chuck me aside like a washed-out n worned-out doll waiting to be discarded. I dun wish to be looked upon as something which has lost its worth, one dat is of no value. Neither do i wished to be treated as something dat cant be market out even when giving it away as freebies or something that even the Rag-&-Bone guy do not wanna re-purchase.

Its no biggie if we cant remain status quo like previously, but atleast try not be drifted away frm each other.. u get what im tryin say here? Im not that heartless to demand the moon or the skies frm you. The rainbow is sufficient 'nuff. (^_^)

Also, it helps, knowing that the memories/times we shared n spent together are being cherished. That is very soothing n nice to know. Something that leaves a lingerin wonderful feeling..

OK, having typed all the above and also in my previous entry, i just want YOU to know n bear in mind dat i neither harbour or plant, nor did i nurture any hatred towards u. I may not be forgiving for now, but still, deep down, i love u as much as before. No even an ounce less.

Frankly, i earnestly n deeply appreciate u replyin. I take pleasure n applaud u for takin the time to read my massive lengthy post n also replyin to them. I certainly and absolutely wasnt expectin anyone to reply or get back to me with regards to this. When i penned the previous entry dwn, it was more of me letting my hearts out n not holding or keeping anything back. It's me lettin my anger overcome n releasing all e whatever inner grievances i may hv. In another words, its me in all of e negative emotions : -

sad/upset/dejected/forlorn/gloomy/weepy/sorrows/despairing/tragic/heart-rending/ bitter/revengeful/evil/murderous/resentful/spiteful/callous/ferocious/ruthless/sadistic/inhuman/cold-blooded/anger/hissy fit/mad/rage/outrage/pique/infuriated/fury/indignated...

Time Check : 08:36am...
i gotta hit the shower now, i hv to follow Pop to purchase schbks for my bros!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Saturday at Grandlink / bastardised ?

I was alr home as at 3+am just now. But i was hoggin on the phone till now. Yes, u read it right, TILL NOW. So that explains why this entry is timed at the break of dawn which is at 6++am...

So, finally, i set foot at Grandlink. Place was just a-ok. Not really grand nor was it really rundown. Songs were so-so. As expected n predicted by some, there are some of the new updated songs available. Collection isnt as much as other karaoke studios. To compare PW n Grndlink, both has it plus point n its drawbacks. Comfort/price/variety/crowd/availability/ambience totally differs a GREAT deal.

Baobei was being such a sweetheart n an arsehole today. Gives me a whole whirl of emotions. First he dozed off, causing our plans to hang halfway den he was late for 3hrs. Afterwhich he was so ultimate sweet singing songs n changing lyrics to my names. Hee. I noe, i noe.. i am now lost in the world of fantasy. Thanks for reminding,~~NOT~~.

Ironically, now i kinda miss Cash Studio.. or is it at Cash Box..? The one located at Ming Arcade, near HRC.. Its funny that i missed it cos, i never liked gg there at all frm the beginning. I find that the waiters there are akin to irritating, annoying n detestable hostesses. U noe hostesses, dat dont hv much bookings. Those kind dat hv no looks/style/body/eloquence/professionalism. And mind u, its Waiters oke im talkin abt here, not waitress. Most times, its waitress(read : gerls) who will act sultry, coquettishly and vixen-alike.

Ok, so this is the entry that i wanted so much to blog about, something which i should hv done the moment i get wind of it..

For the record, i am MAD, MAD super-duper offended, upset, dissapointed, bitter, angry, pissed over this whole matter oke. Multiple mixed emotions all at one time. To the extend that i cudnt supressed it any longer, i wailed like a small kid. I was weeping real bad - tersedu2 la oke.! Tears were flowing non-stop like a waterfall. I lost it all. I can no longer kept my cool n withstand it. It gotten so bad that i was literally shaking. To those that saw me during that time, u witnessed it yourself how badly i took it. I cried very bitterly. Surprise-surprise isnt it?? I dont undastand, why after pple treat me so shabbily in this way, i still can bawled over it. I was extremely sad, hurt, agitated and all torn up. Not to mention the anger n the stab-in-the-back i felt. I was even ready to commit murder, i tell ya.

English have this famous idiom : - Never bite the hand that feeds.
Or in old malay classic saying : - Jngn jady mcm kacang lupakan kulit.
I believe, this two saying is adequate enough to let known what my topic here is, isnt it? Its proportionate to me telling you what the real deal is.

I know that all of you are one way or another against me being with Baobei. U pple have the thinking that eversince im w Baobei, i had gone from bad to worst. Hopeless n beyond redemption right ? He had influenced me to do/try many negative things. Things that i always wanted to do, but was refrained by you peeps. I know you guys arent happy that im with him. U pple thinks dat he was e cause of me becoming a ~~J----E~~.

To each his/her own. Its my own individual self. I wasnt held at gun-point to do or try it. All of it, was entirely out of my willingness. Its purely, solely n only me who wanted it. There's no coercing or intimidating involved.

Even at the chalet, the one where we celeb my bday, we do it cause we wanted it. There wasnt any forcing done. Maybe we could hv brainwashed, psycho or persuade one another but still at the end of the day, only u holds the final decision. U determine whats best n what u ultimately one.

Only you yourself are responsible for your own actions. If you are adamant abt it, u would hv firmly hold on to your stand. No one will cast u aside for that. A true fren will respect yr decision n back u up on it, be it good or bad. Ofcourse, do the neccessary donts or do whichever applicable.

Im not gonna start naming names here. Its gonna be real ugly if names were to be mentioned. Pple might say im accusing them. But deep dwn, i know who hv the final say n who runs the show. I know whose words carry the most weight. I know who are being obligated to follow along cause they hv no choice but to follow blindly cause u hv to take care of so and so feelings. If that , what YOU consider as others respecting YOU, then i seriously PITY u. That is not respect, sweetheart. That is u forcing others to follow what u deem is best. To heed yr advice irrefutably, with no questions asked. That is you making decision for others. Something which they are capable of doing on their own. Their mum send them to school, paid hefty sch fees n the fact that they were born with brains, werent for nothing, you know..

To further aggravate matters, the reason given was very unreasonable. Stop using others as an excuse or a scapegoat. Doesn't mean, someone is available to take e rap, u guys could happily push everything to him. That is very unfair to the one whom u pple blame. For fark sake, im freakin 22.! I am able to see/think n differentiate for my own. Whatever reason u come up with, that is just solely only yr part. Your own thinking n assumption. Unless u peeps cast a vote together, then it will be valid. Otherwise, its null. VOID. U obviously dont hold others in regards. To you, yr word is marked as final. It doesnt go that way, hun. U gotta remember, its not affectin only you but also others. Other's frenship/rship ties with the 'victim' suffered. It cud even be severed. Do u really want that to happen ? Bcos of ur decision, all the others becomes yr victim. Dont u tink u are despicable n cruel ? I think i wudnt be able to face myself if this were to happen to me. I would like to sleep peacefully every night and not with a guilty conscience.

So.. wats with e shit abt Me, abandoning u peeps and always gg out with So-n-So huh? Holy bananas! What fucken crap! Hallo hallo, Pot calling the kettle back ok. Memory refresh pls, who's abandoning who..? Reflect on yrself before u wanna talk abt others. Make sure yr fingers are clean before u start pin-pointing others.

What i cannot take lyin down is that : - it hv alr been pre-decided that i am to be excluded out in the big MAJOR plans of theirs. Meaning to say, frm e beginning, decision alr has been fixed dat i am not be asked along. Am i rite to say dat ? i was thinking, since both events do not clash. Neither in timing nor location. So wat cud be the reason of dem not inviting ? As a matter if fact, its one after the other. At the end of the day, I've concluded that actually it all boils down to yr willingness n sincerity of asking/inviting. The fact dat u dont, dats apparent how u alr cross me outta ur life, 'nuff said.

U guys SO know dat, my nite-scenes is a notch dat i hv always place above the rest. ALWAYS NUMERO UNO. I wudnt never say no to it. Heck, i wud even go against Mak Tiger or even Baobei if they wudnt gv me the go-ahead. And u Precious Ones shud noe very well that u guys are irreplaceable. Regardless of any John/Peter or whoever dat may come along, Party Pples = once irreplaceable, always irreplaceable. I really wonder how did u get the notion dat i prioritize who n what first before my dosage night-scenes. I tot i hv alr mentioned, nothing can/able/may come in btwn w me n my nite-scenes.

And know what the best part is.... Baobei n me were contemplating on gg the same plc dat very same nite. Co-incidence or whatt ?? We were alr dressed for the part. Just imagine, if we were to bump into one another. Unexpectedly turning up uninvited would surely create alot of awkwardness. But it will not lead to a cat-fight, rest assured. Cause i dun stoop to the level of being involved in a public fite, whr countless eyeballs are on us n we becoming the century-butt of joke for evryone. We are FAR beyond dat oke. We hv etiquette, manners, face, pride n class, baby. We dont humiliate ourselves.

So pples... My humble suggestion : - Pls stand infront of a full-length mirror, and ask yrself :
what and who hv u disregard/forsake/desert n walk out on?
Sit n ponder about it. The severe, exceeding change in you is very abrupt.

I for one strongly believe n am tightly holdin on to my stand that thruout the entire time, i DID NOT ditch nor forget my frens AT ALL. Instead, its the opposite. Its you pple who quit on me. Its you pple who decide to cross me outta yr life. Its you pple who delete n strike me off.

I may not hv the time to go out w u peeps like before, i maybe spending less time w u guys, i may not be as active in smsin u guys or hv convos like how we used to. But one thing for certain, i absolutely did not shun nor cease cntctin all with sudden impact.

When i smsed, u peeps never replied. I try talkin to you like how i always do, u react like im invisible. I still do share my joys/troubles/worries w u peeps. But u guys reacted like u dun wanna gimme e time of e day.

I guess, u guys must hv find me a bore n troubling u all e time w e same old shit, thus that reaction w me. So i mellowed down. I dun wanna be a irritating/annoying pest that caused pple to develop hatred for me. I dun wish to be hated upon. So i figure, its best that i go my own way. Since evryone is pretty much happy n occupied with their own ongoings, then i too seek solace in my own.

I felt alienated, cast-out and bastardised. It hurts much much more den just a stab in the back. But what really spheres thru my heart n hurt like a total son-of-a-bitch was : - i really, honest to god didnt expect this to be coming from you. I mean, out of all the others, out of so many of them.. and yet YOU ? You of all person.. Its very very extremely sad n unexpected. It really left my mouth hanging, gasping in disbelief. I am in shock n was dumbfounded. I cudnt fathom out why was i left out. Wat was e reason i wasnt bein asked along? Intentionally or not, u guys hv collaborated w each other behind my back. And that sucks a great GREAT deal when i gotta noe abt this. Being left out in the loop, felt like you are a outcast, castaway, deportee is not a nice feeling, u noe. Not to mentioned the BETRAYAL feeling dat i have.

hv i really turned into someone that's un-impt/disposable/redundant/dispensable to you?

The years dat we grew up together.. were they all for nothing? dont they count for anything? not even a glimpse of any flashbacks? Someone that u share weal/woe together, no ? Someone whom once said, she got my back.. Someone who was always der for me back den ? Someone who i know i cud count on if anything happens? Someone who i can fall upon when all else fails. Someone dat never fails to make me smile/laff when i came to her crying my harts out. Someone who always offers words of encouragement/advices when i am in dire need of them.

The unspoken tight bond dat i tot we have? Are they just only meant for show?They dont mean a thing to u at all ? Are they only empty words to make me feel betta? The hardship/good/happy times we shared, i guess its not of any insignificance to you. I figure its just as worthless as a piece of used tissue paper. One which u throw scantily when u get a new one. Am i only someone u need when u hv use for me ? And when u hv no use for me, u cast me aside like a worn-out doll? Am i only someone who u look for when u hv troubles that i can help to settle? Am i only being there solely for your own gain? Im there only for your own advantage? Only When the need for me arises?

I must hv been nothing bigger den a green bean in your eyes. Someone that you wudnt even glance at.

Matter may alr been weeks over. But Aini is still very much scorned over it. Im still harpin on it, that explains dis long entry. I still am not able to let go. It still hurts n pierce thru me evrytime i tok abt it. I still am taking heart n offence over this. And im not buldging.

This time round, i dont intend on forgiving. Neither am i gonna forget abt the whole thing. Im not gonna be magnanimous n treat it like it never happen. It alr happen, so i cant pretend like this is nothing. Thats self-delusional. I cant just blow it away like that. That is not doing me any justice at all. I fail n disappoint myself if i am so easily-pacified like that. I will let this be a bitter remembrance, something dat i will keep for life.

So be it, if u wanna say im sensitive. I am sensitive n emotional, like this. U dun experience the hurt/betrayal/sadness i felt. U pple cant never imagine or fathom how i felt when i first got to noe abt this. It pricks/pierce/spheres thru my heart a gazillion times knowing that u are behind all this. As i type this long entry, it still very much pained me. But i hv to voice/penned all this out otherwise its ripping me inside. Yes, i am taking it this bad.

And abt Baobei, FYI... he's never the one who tempted/psycho/brainwashed/pushed me to do it. Infact, on the other hand, he tried stopping me evrytime i raised the topic. So for the sake of being fair n just, i believe its ony fair if u leave him outta dis.
He never was the cause or the reason for anything.

If u peeps feel u got probs w me n him being together, GET REAL n deal w me/us personally.
And for those that dont like my Baobei, well.. den its too bad. We wud appreciate if you cud keep the comments to yrself. Have the courtesy of takin other's feelings into consideration.

And for the record, even when i dont like someone or someone's attitute/character, i dun voice out openly to the public n let it known amongst us. i still do hv some basic coutest n some slight consideration.

And to YOU(u noe who u are), i miss you. REALLY. I miss the old you. Can i have the old you bck? I GENUINELY, HONESTLY MISS YOU TRUCKLOADS.

You seems so near but yet so far. U are within arm's reach n eyesight, but i can never seems to reach across to you. I can never be able to get to you. I see you, but i no longer see e gerl dat i once knew. Feels like i know nothing about u now. The same person but yet with a totally different attitute/character/personality. What hppn to the original n real you huh? My gut feeling says dat, Its like u are shutting urself off n cuttin urself clean frm me. Is that really the case? Like something is kinda holding u back frm being close to me like before. If it is so, why are u lettin others dictate all ovr u???

**i noe i am a bad/negative influence to many, but i am not dat cruel, evil or wicked to bring my loved ones to their dwfall n doom.**

PS : i realised that i like to pen super duper massive long entries nowadays. I think my calling for a writer or scriptwriter has come-a-calling. Heheks!

** DISCLAIMER **

While penning this entry down, the writer(READ : ME) have no intention to hurt or target anyone in mind or specifically in general. Whatever is typed here is up to the writer's best-est direct version. Its as blunt, as unconcealed, as explicit that the writer could think of. Pls be advised that the writer is very outspoken n holds no barred when writing/talking The writer is too tired n no longer interested to play e game of beating ard the bush. Pls do bear in mind that the writer also holds no grudges. She may not forgive or forget but currently as of now, she doesnt nurse nor bears any grudges.~~yet~~ :)

The writer solely doesnt harbour any purpose or motive to incur anyone's wrath. Whatever u read here may not seem like what u make it out to be in yr mind. The writer writing n thinking is complex at times. She has a mind of her own, so you may or may not identify the need to read in between the lines. Kindly be remembered that the writer has already tried her ultimate VERY best to relate everything as straightforward as possible. The writer wont be held responsible if there are any conflicts/contradicting details abt this entry. This is the finest n onlly knowledge/information with regards to the entry.

No names are allowed to be mentioned as all those are involved are still minors under the eyes of the writer. The writer's decision is final. In an event, should there be readers who want to voice out any differences/grievances that they may have, they are more then welcome to leave their worthless 2cents tots at the TagBoard.

PS : the writer is about too turn into an imsomaniac in due time. She has been sleeping in timing like anytime frm 7+am to 12+pm. And thats bad. Real bad.
Suggestion : - could try counting some lame lambs/sheeps. = )

PPS : - i hv a cousin bday bash to attend later, not to mention gazillion of hseworks due to be done by Yours Truly and here i am, happily typing away, still not turnin in yet.! Teehee. When Sat comes, my eyes/brain/sleeping pattern n timing noes what they shud do. Gotten meself accustomed to it alr. Huhu! (^_^)

The writer is retreatin for the day. Time check : 10:35am, Sunday 20th Dec 2009.
The writer is currently obsessed with : Duri Terlinding by the late Nike Ardilla.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Baobei !

IVE GOT SO MUTHA-FARKIN truckloads to be blogged about.
and yes, i need no reminder dat this blog of mine is SO SO dead.
So, here am i, back for updates.
**nvm e fact dat i noe, there's no one who actually read my pathetic blog nowadays**

Some of the following : --

* bumped into Wawa at Bugis today. Man, she surely has changed drastically. Very drastically, i must say.
* Saw Ayie, Coco's small bro last wkend. He has grown up now. He didnt recog me, but yet he knew Baobei. That bonch is sure famous.
* Suprisingly, im now FRENS w someone whom last time i wanted to drag her blardy arse face on e road -- ( Truth be told, im ony gvg Baobei face. Honestly. God noes how i am SO-anti her. )
* Bumped into Sheila Chubby few wks ago, or was it alr a mth ?
* Saw my 1st love during my sec sch yrs at Geylang Bazaar during the holy mth of Ramadhan. N i cudnt recog him! Surprise-surprise! It took me more den just a few looks at him to pinpoint who the hell is he.
* e 1st love mentioned above EX acknowledged me. Now, after so many yrs had passed.? Why n for what, i wonder. *aini shakes head* N u noe at whr ? My workplace, no less.! Keppel is indeed a place to rekindle old times ehh. She rang me up personally. I ony hv 1 word to say - WOW. Its really really unexpected n not essential at all. For e record, I dun hv e slightest interest to reminisce old memories for now.
* Bumped into many of my old sec sch mates, internet mates lately.
* Big Chicken is back in my life.
* So is Neil Azhar. ( why do pple come altogether all at the same time huh ? )
* Mr JM is back in Sgp
* I kinda miss ApitBaby.
* Happy belated bday to Yan. = )
* I MISS FARABI. TRUCKLOADS. WHERE HAVE U M.I.A HUH DUDE ???
* Youngest Bro had been circumsized. Like finally. Ok, i know this is so totally irrelevant. Hee.

I hv multiple mixed feelings about some stuffs which i hv been sittin on for quite some time. Figure its best if i blogged it all out.

My Baobei. Evryone who's close to me, u pple shud noe we hv no beginning. So needless to say, we definitely hv no ending. That goes without sayin isnt it ? We're stagnant like this. Nothing official. Truthfully, 9 outta 10 times, i prefer it this way. Cos i know, i hv probs in commiting. I feel e pressure of being in a rship. Thou i dun deny, sometimes i wish we were in one. Im self-contradicting aint i ? I figure, couples nowadays are on auto-mode arent they ? Or no ? I dunnoe how many milestones we hv reached so far. But its indeed a far cry frm what i've imagined. Sometimes, he suprised me with his actions n words. I know i always say talk is cheap. But the fact dat he voiced out some certain things which i dont foresee, it somehow makes a diff wen u're experiencing it urself. Lying or not, that, only he n The-Great-One above knew.

Sometimes, he surpassed what i expect of him. Take for instance, we hv since gone public. And he's the one who initiated it. I never thought that wud ever happen. Not even in my nite-dreams or daytime-sandcastle-building, i swear. Randomly He asked me out, afterwhich wen we reach e destination he told me one of his brader was der too, we can go out like on a dbl date. I was so taken aback that i asked him to repeat it several times n i cudnt help but be curious n kept on askin why. He was so pissed off at me during that time. Well, its not fully 100% public yet, but like almost 80-90%. I noe u pple may say : - PUBLIC ?? WTF, does this girl think she's some kind of hollywood A-star celeb..? Ok here is the real deal, readers : - (read yr fill, n undastsand it. betta make sure u do, otherwise, it wud be defeatin the whole purpose on why im so enthusiastic abt dis topic.)

Well, ours is a kinda isolated/weird/peculiar/abnormal case that may not be dat rare to some. It was nothing near easy frm the beginning. Going public means a big thing to us. :) The shit dat both of us went thru before we reach to our current comfy zone now, was nowhere near wonderful or a mind-blowing one. Instead, it was somethin dat was nauseous, start-of-a-migrane, one-which-caused-u-to-vomit-n-hv-nitemares. It was filled with loads of negativity, multiple brain-washing frm various pple, mind-poisonin frm various sources, pple drifitn us apart n creating a wedge btwn us, others gvg us their 2 cents worth which i dun think is neccessary or relevant, whats w me bein one of his so-called close fren's EX which in turn kinda tarnish my reputation, and to top it off, that fren of his scarred me for abit n pretty much scare me causing me to back off frm dating for quite a period of time, which is also the reason of me bein extra, EXTRA, EXTRA cautious. [*When in actual real fact, i wanted to get to noe him first before that arsehole. But he alr passed me e verdict of dead sentence after hearin frm one side ony.So unfair n unjust. **okay, u so do not wanna get me started on this topic, i cud go on forever, really. Typing like its for a new drama script. Keke. ]

Plus words can start fly ard, sayin im someone who's cheap/loose/immoral who flings frm one to another etc. Some pple can be really downrite cruel n malicious w their words. Words are very deadly. Never belittle it. Its enuff to be a start of a chaotic destruction disaster. Things was pretty bad. We hv to go out together on the sly, not letting anyone know, like a criminal who's on e run whose life is on the nook. He hv to save my name under some other alias to avoid suspicion. Then there's e annoying question which both of us dread to answer. And wen i bumped into him outside w one of his fren whiom i also knew, i had to pretend n ask who is he. Like a formal tete-a-tete, im bla n bla. He's so n so. What crap! That kinda shit, u noe. And those dat i mentioned above are ony pittance of it. There still are others which is impossible for u to fathom n imagine. Even up-to-date, i still have some of the silly disturbances goin on, n chances are it wont stop, but rather it will be continuous.

For now, i can safely say, we hv gone thru some thick/thin, bad/gd moments. We're not rili gd in expressin what our feelings are but we do communicate alot. Communication is very vital to me. He's gd n bad in his own ways. All of us are, isnt it ? At times, i find that i hv a love-hate thing gg on with him. We hv our fair share of ugly fites. Really very soapy, emotional, drama-mama fugly fites, but like any other, we wud always make up afterwhich. N dat makes us bond stronger. During this few mths, i began to realise, he somehow hv toned down my ego for a fair bit over time. Very shocking n unbelievable indeed. Comparin the old aini n the current one, i myself hv personally seen many vast changes n some improvements in me. My closest ones too hv mentioned it to me several, multiple times. Its been said, its better to lose yr ego over someone u love rather den to lose someone u love over yr ego. . After my last-never-to-be-mentioned-or-shared-with-anyone rship, the one which made my life topsy-turvy to the extent ill i nearly lose my sanity, i of all person shud know way better about the above saying. If you are wonderin or asking, we do hv our sweetest moments too, which i think i shall not divulge here, otherwise some may think im really praising him to the skies. Ok, maybe i'll just blogged about some ..

I realise, he does things the reverse way, which kinda makes him hard to fathom. At times, i really hv no idea at all what's gg on his head. His yes n his no is always very misleading. IAt first, its hard to tell which is which. But now? Its all at my fingertips n at the back of my mind. i can easily identify which is, he testin the waters n which is for real. All it takes is just time, some effort, patience, understanding, research n monitoring. In short, i had done my homework n i topped the class with a A* distinction! My hard work paid off and i am now reaping the fruits of my labour. And that is a very SU-WEET feeling!

More often then not, he's always unexpected, very unpredictable n unforeseen. No typical sucking up, honey coated words or sweet-acts. We are not a fan of public display of affection. No manje2 eh, we save that for BRM talk/activities. *evil cheeky smile. Huhu.* To me, PDA is so the norms, very common n boring. There are some who may find it's loving n such. Sometimes, we do too hv very minimal PDA. There's a sayin, Great Mind thinks alike. N we share e same mindset! Like by sudden kissing me by surprise, that will totally swept me off the feet.! Hallo, u are caught unalarmed n off-guard oke! [[Imagine, u are at the up-moving escalator with many pple, he's infront of u, u are standing bhind him, den SUDDENLY n VERY unexpectedly, he turned n kissed u on the lips, and move on to the forehead n etc.. Bet u wud be jolted like a thunderbolt n be blushing like how i was.! I was as red as a lobster, i tell ya! I was literally dumbfounded but astounded in awed. (*_*).]] As i say, we're both kinda shy-shy, u see. (^_^) We say/do things directly indirect. I bet u peeps dun undastand what i meant w e word - directly indirect.

Only when it come to feelings, our mouths wud be super-glued tightly. We are somehow shy n hv no idea how to convey it across . Usually when its abt feelings, we drop very subtle hints. We usually say it, in btwn words or behind sentences. But fortunately, we both undastand what each party is driving at. Thats what i think, telepathy is. Ceywayyyy aini... telepathy seyyy !! Huahua! Ony wen 1 party gets too long-winded ( which most of the time is, none-other den Yours Truly of course), or digressed, be it intentionally or no, den the other one will interrupt n asked to stop beating ard the bush n cut to the chase - Something which i feel shud hv been done frm the very beginning, time/effort/saliva-consuming, no brain-twisting required & simpler. The more u talk/think, the more it will lead to much confusing complications - agree ??

Sometimes, he do things dat i really didnt anticipate. In some pple's eyes which i tink i know who and to others, he may be a bad/rotten jerk who is out to toy with my feelings n cheat me of my pennies n dimes. However, no, thats not the case. That wasnt the impression he gv me. Ok maybe, he may hv flirt with some other chicas, hv other gerls goin out with him, ladies callin n smsin him n stuffs. Its ony fair if i dun intrude on his pvt space. Im all for hvg frens of e other gender when u're attached. That is not a valid reason for you to ditch all yr male/female frens. That is yr own personal circle of frens dat i dun wanna refrain you frm having. I too hv frens of the opp sex gg out w me, callin me n etc..

To me, So long as you know what your limitations are and you know what are your dos n donts, then im perfectly fine with it. Dont do things dat you dont want others to do to u. Be smart n wise enuff, also bear in mind dat u cant be too promiscuous or coquettish. Play yr cards right, and this wont be a problem in yr rship. Im sure u do not want yr other half to be flirting with some Jane or Mary, so likewise, u dont do the same thing with any Tom/Dick or Harry.

Plant this thought in yr mind : - The world is round. What goes around will definitely comes around. It may not be now, but sooner or later it will still come n get u. U mite hv forgotten abt it, it will strike u when u least expect it. That's how Karma works bebehh.
**Get this stemmed in your brain, it serves as a deterrent before u harbour any harsh, evil cruel plans up yr sleeve.!**

U dun just drop the whole entire whole, shun all yr existing frens/families or cease all contacts for the sake of yr partner/rship rite? That is absurb! If things are not working out n u decided to split yr ways, arent u the one at the losing end.? U wud hv absolutely NO ONE. U gotta nurse yr own broken heart, sing yr own heart-breaking emo shit super-dead SLOW songs, gorge yrself silly w chocolates till u're obese like Fat Bustard, cry yrself to sleep evrynite till dat become yr daily routine lullaby while huggin dat cheapskate bear he bought, hoping he'll come back running to you?? Awwww.. what a pathetic little shit u are, u anti-social loner! Yr gt yr just deserts, if u ask me. U jolly well hv this coming. So u deserve it. U create n dig yr own misery "grave." Nothing last forever baby. Nothing is for eternal or infinity. Get real!

Ok, say u are blessed w happiness, u hv a happily-ever-after ending.. so, what comes after marriage? Live in your own world, that only two of u exist? Then i presume, there wud be no wedding reception, cause u delete all yr entire contacts when u decide to be together ? No one to congratulate u on yr wedding, no one to celebrate yr bby 1st mth cause u pple hv no use for frens/families. No workin colleagues dat's gonna come cos in yr eyes, they never exist . They're just like blocks of wood who come to e same office w u, clock in n clock out when the time is up. Family are there for the sake of family ties, that is if there's still family members who wanna come n depending if u do invite dem, cause u hv since shut them outta yr life.

Ur thinking is locked that Yr undying love for each other n solely e two of u is sufficient for evrything? All other things are deem as not essential.? Okay okay.. maybe dats a little far-fetch la kan. But my point is, we all need frens. You life doesnt revolves ard u n yr partner only. Frens serves alot of motives in life. Networkin/frens n family relations n ties is equivalent as impt as yr other half. They're vital, essential, critical, crucial, substantial. They're a primary staple n a grave must-have core in life. This is something that should go without saying. But, Love is blind, or in my take, my personal opinons, Loves make u blind. :)

This is just my own 2cent's worth, im not demanding that all shud agree w me. Just that i feel its inane n moronic for either party to do that, i mean, why abandon yr entire circle of frens over someone whom u hv no idea if they're gonna stick w u all e way to the end. Pple change in a twinkling of an eye. In a split second, u may find that u no longer know him/her anymore. There's no telling or stopping if one is adamant on changing. Boys/frens, its all e same. Both may come n go. Some may stay n stick it out, some may throw in the towel halfway. The world os filled with many many pples with different characters n personality. It all boils dwn to each individual self, i guess. How u choose yr fren/partner plays a great deal. Oh well, to each his own. Im running away frm my topic further n further.

--------------------------------- BACK ON TRACK PLS !! ------------------------------

Come to think of it, If he really hv the intention to cheat me of my money, why wait till now.? If he wanted to toy with me or rather to get back at me on his fren behalf (which i tink is really uncalled-for, im the victim back den, never dat arsehole!), he cud hv done it, in the early stages, why bother to drag the whole tink this far ? If u pple are guessing that maybe he's waiting for his bday to be over, so dat he can rcvd his pressies, and afterwhich he's gonna ditch me. Well, it cud go both ways. Either a yes or a no. But my take is : - If he hv intention of doin that, He cud hv done it eons ago. As I dun wait for his bday to come ONY to gv him stuffs, n neither does he. Whenver i see tinks dat reminds me of him, i will auto get it fer him. N i believe the same goes for him too. This, i can say it with full confidence cause he had done it for Yours Truly. :)
**But nobody says no to presents rite? So why shud he turn it down eh ? Just a matter of few more wks or so, he mite as well wait kan ?**

Oh wells. If that is really his ultimate plan n motive, den goody n kudos for him. Ala...... Come what may, if the worst really happen, atleast i know n i experience it for myself, how hurting the fall is and how hard it is for me to get up again. Im like that, i prefer to fall on my own, i appreciate pple concerns n worries over me. But i like to experience it for myself, so i can be remembered of how the unberable pain is. I gotta feel the pain myself. That doubles up as a lesson very well learnt n well embedded in mind. The more pple tell me to back off n step down, to avoid getting hurt, the more im adamant about not heedin e advice. Its reverse psychology dah-lings. :)

Ok so, He may or may not hv an ulterior motive, that i cant really tell or able to find out. I dun deny dat initially i also hv the thinking dat he's just the same like any other. I know, im being very judgemental here. Apologies, but wen it comes to matters like dis, im selfish. I place myself in top numero uno always, solely only ME before others. *(u cant blame me for that hokay ?! Im once bitten, twice shy. Its natural n a must for one to be cautious before taking the leap. U dun just jump into something without doing some recce-ing.)* But he proved me wrong. Im not defending him, neither am i speaking up for him. Nor am i painiting a nice n wonderful picture of him, i believe i did mention somewhere in this long entry dat he hv his EEEWWW, me-hating-him-to-the-core, him-breakin-my-heart-to-mini-tiny-pieces, i-hoping-that-he-just-drop-dead-n-bloody-rot-in-hell attitude too.

But at the end of the day, Yours-Truly is the one goin thru e hardship/luxurious/cloud-nine/seventh-heaven/depressing/upsetting/maddening/pissed-off/saddening times with him. Im the one who's 24hrs a day, 7days a wk, 30+- days in a month with him, so i know what's best. Casting affection aside, i've wisen up alr, i wont let me by my own downfall. I know what works best n what is good for me. I know when to pull n push. Trust me, i wont let myself be a victim to stupidity caused by me. That is very downrite stupid. Only someone with a smaller than pea-sized brain wud voluntarily n gladly let her own self be a victim.

He hv done it all, He have made me cried tears of anger/happiness/sadness/dissapointment and all other emotions dat u can think of. At times, he try his very best to accedes to almost all my sometimes-silly-n-nonsensical whims, but ony whenever he think its reasonable n possible.

He scolds like a parent, nags like a mum, stern like most dads, cares like a nurse, hv WORLD- CLASS CHAMPION patience like a social worker, supervise like a teacher, advices like an advisor, irritates like my bros, offend me like an enemy, counsel me like a counsellor, pamper me like a small bby, indulge in my silly-stupid moments/requests, dropped me sentence(s) like a judge on a hearing trial, blame me like a lawyer, interrogate me like a CID officer, question me like he dun hv any trust on me, cheers me up like a clown, made me smile frm ear to ear, suprises me like a magician, made me pull long faces longer den Pinocchio nose, cooks like a Chef, made me laff till my cheeks n stomach are in pain (at times till i cried too,), meticulous like a auditor, plans like a planner, made me cried like im a BIG-TIME SINNER who is beyond redemption, pass snide n sarcastic remarks like im indifferent, is muthafarkin excessively jealous like im constantly flirtin infront of him, making me jealous n makin me witness it like i am heartless n devoid of all other emotions, perks me up like an Energizer batt, boost up my confidence level till im so full of myself, and brings me back to rough soils on Earth when my head is way too up in the sky, protects me like he's a bouncer, shield me like an armour, shines me up like the sun, praise me to the Saturn, makes me happy to see that smile on my face,

brighten me like a colourful rainbow, apologise as if today is my last day on earth (ony applicable when its is fault), reminds me like a buzzing reminder, jokes like a joker who is well-liked by many, entertains me like a circus entertainer, exact revenge in an excessively much evil way, amuse me with his antics/actions/words like he's a veteran comedian, alarms me like a alarm clock complete with snoozing, speaks up for me like a well-known speaker, decides like he hv the final say - all e time!, control me when im uncontrollable, is SUPER DUPER stubborn till i am at e brink of giving up sometimes, insist on getting his way holding no regards for others, testin my patience till i lost myself, makes my blood boils till im about to burst a blood vessel, lies to me thru his teeth without feeling guilty, do ludicrous things till i am turning Green like Hulk, listens to me like in a listenin comprehension test, complains worst den a typical auntie, gossip like a Mami Jarum, bitched abt others like he's super perfect, nurture n instill more patience in me, manage my anger like in a anger-mgmt class, tolerate my at-times unreasonable, intoleratable, farking attitude, endure my farked-up spiteful words n mood swings, motivates like an avid NDP motivator, persuades likes the Never-Say-Die battery which was advertised, cracks me up like a bottle opener, encourages like a principal who's fully commited.

My Baobei, that's what he's like. In short, to me : - He's all in one, one in a million at times, both in e gd n e bad ways. He tries to be there whenever n wherever i need him. It may not be physically all the time, but i feel his presence everytime when the need arises. Be it thru phone conversations or SMSes.. I never tell him this, but i do appreciate having him by my side. Both in good or bad times. He never left me alone to fend for myself. But he also did not place me in numero uno position, im also not anything above the rest. I dun wish, am neither curious nor keen to know wat's my current standin in his life now. *(some things are best left unspoken.) Let's just say, he's gd with priorities. I dun feel left out/alienated or like an outcast while with his frens/family etc.

One thing that im assured, he cares for me, for my welfare, my well-being, my relationship ties w family n frens. Genuinely. Not fake or being plastic. He will ask abt so and so after i tell him about our concurrent going-on(s). Out of his own initiative, he will ask, not thru me. If he hv their cntcts, he wud liase directly. When he's buyin stuffs/food, if i happen to be there w my relatives/frens, he will auto get it for them as well. Dats thoughtful isnt it ? Tell me, hw many reprep(s) can u find doin dat nowadays?? He make it a point to ensure dat im hm safely evrytime after im out w him. In one occasion, he cudnt send me to e bus-stop as his family is fetching him. He make sure his blood : his trusted bro, to do the task for me. And to his blood to walk off only after im safely in e bus n after e bus has drove off.

No, he's not vying for a good spot in my book, he didnt bragged or was boastful abt it. He do it becaouse he wants to do it outta his own initiative. Everytime, i get to know abt this, its frm the opposite party itself. Like my relative wud informed me dat he smsed, was concerned n wud ask wat is the next followin step. Then he on the hand, wud make sure, i follow up on it n update him. At times, i kinda find him being a busybody. Meddling too much when he's not suppose to. Its not like everyone likes others poking their nose into the-affected parties.

Having said all this, i still can differentiate btwn him n my Precious Ones. Once irreplaceable, always irreplaceable oke, Precious Ones. Pple say, its nice n lucky to be in love w yr best fren. He's akin to my best fren, my close buddy, my bitchin partner, my listenin ear, my woes partner, my daily laughing pill, my at-times heart-wrecking fren, my sobbin partner, and my once-in-a-blue-moon God-reminding-n-God-fearing fren.

He knows where to get me at my weakest, my strongest, my saddest, my happiest. And thats all that matters. Happiness is ony short-lived. So treasure it while u still can. I've come to a stage where i dont wanna to be sad/depress over something which i hv no clue will happen or no, so i rather cherish what im having on my plate currently. Im living for the present. Not the past nor future. The past has already gone. U can only learn frm it n let it remain as memories. For the future, u can only hope n plan. But sometimes, hoping n planning too much doesnt always proves to be good. You mite end up dissapointed. Many a times, u tend to let yrself be too hopeful, wout u realising it. With hopes comes expectations. When u cant live up to yr own expectations dat u ownself set without u noticing it, when thing come crushing down, the impact will hit u rili hard.

So conclusion : - TO LIVE FOR THE PRESENT.

I may not be his officially girl-friend. He did not voice me out to be his special one. Im not officially his. Both of us are neither each other's property. (we are not commodity, to begin with) We have no anniversary. We dont do monthsary too. No buying of those mthly or annual presents. No counting of how many days we're together. I am not his girl. We're not in a relationship, but one thing for sure, he sure make me feel like im his n im in one. Only a much amazing, fantastic, fantasy-alike, no-commitment, no pressure, stress-free one.

What we do is, we count the hours we're together n we celebrate weeksary. *wide smile*
**U pple do noe, dat im jokin w the above sentence kan ? **

Okayokay, on a serious note, what we do is : -

We will hogged on the phone for almost 2-10 or more hrs daily. 2 being the most mininum. A day wont go by comfortably when we dont hogged on the phone. And no, we never run out of topics. We go dine at places whr both of us hv nvr went before, introducing each other to food/place which the other party hv not try out. Venturing out activities, places dat both of us are clueless abt. Doing 1st-time activities that we hv never do before like : - me following him on his delivery rounds at work, feedin him economic rice in his c/o vech while he busy sending goods, gg to places dat are semi out of reach which i find is scenic n unique. Heard of Sungai Tengah ? I bet u dont. Doing things for the 1st time always leave a deeper n lasting memories arent they ?

We remember when we took our 1st pics together, where was it taken, when did he first held my hands, when did he say those magical words,(ony wen we both truly mean it which is completed with actions to prove, not just yr cheap empty talks eh. Action speaks louder den wrds kan? This is action combined w words. Lethal enuff ?), when was the first time he spout vulgarities at me, wat caused it n what vulgarities did he spout, when/where/why we had our biggest,ugliest fite ever, den hw we wud make up after it, when e first time i lied to him n wat was it abt, wen he made me cried non-stop for days n wat was it abt, how he pull a prank on me which i took it very very bad, when did he first slammed the phone on me, when did he first raise his voice at me, when did i go against his words, when did i do things dat he dont know/dont approve, why i did not inform him dat his bros look for him thru me, why i reply to his bros msgs/calls without consulting or informin him, why i did not come clean or confess to him on some certain things, when was e first time i do things behind his back, why i did not linform him when his bro rang me up n hv quite a convo.

You know, those small, itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny, minor, secondary stuffs. It may seem like its no-biggie, something which others find insiginificant. But its holds a very meaningful reason to us. Its the small acts like this, or normal words dat others find boring dat livens up our situation.

We are happy like this. We are very comfy at the stage we're in now. I dont need others to worry/wreck their brains for me constantly questioning if im his gf, andwats our current status yada yada yada.. I appreciate u peeps concern, really i do, but leave that to me to ponder. Im alr 22, capable of makin decisions of my own. :)
Thanks, but no thanks.

I need no bouquet of rose, stacks of banknotes, sweet sugary honey-coated lips, cutesy bears, or high end expensive chocs to make me a delightful gerl. I believe he too dont need fanciful watches, brandeds wallets, hundreds dollars shoes, limited editions tees/caps to make him a grinning guy. **thou it wud be nice, if we cud hv it** Hee. :D

To quote someone very dear n precious to me (but somehow, my gut feeling abt 98% says that she no longer treats/see me like before, instead i tink she alr strike me with a BIG RED CROSS OUTTA her life. ) : As long as at the end of the day, we're still together, NOTHING else matters.

He's happy, Im happy, We're happy. Thats enough.

*** i wanted to blog about another entry, which i was feelin very much upset, bastardized, stab in the back, mad farkin angry, farkin farkin sad about. But i type all e way abt Baobei till this long, so im gonna save dat entry to the next one.
**i am so mad mad in love w Bad Romance. (For the record, im not having a case of Bad Romance ehh)
**Da pukul 12.05pm now, aku nk tdo. Aku da mcm kalahkan orng yg balik ZoukOut pah? Lol!