For some weird unknown reason, when i tried viewing my blog, i cudnt read a single thing!
As i expected, my previous layout cocked-up. After so long of using it, now, i dunnoe for wat reason it decide to go all blank, transparent on me. My guess is that, someone remove the background at the hosting site.

So here i am, with a new layout.. I spent muthafarking HOURS searching and editing it. Editing layouts is real hard work. I take my hats off to those who diligently do these layouts for us.
Anws, i wanted to find something that's very akin to my previous one, and this is the closest i can get. The last layout was so clear-cut, no fuss, no navigations, pop-ups or whatsoever shit. But well, when things gotta go, it just gotta go. So im making do with what i have here.

The past one week or so has been helluva tumultuous roller coaster ride for me.
My emotions took a nasty HUGE turbulent GIGANTIC dive.

Things really took me off-hand. I wasnt prepared for this to come AT ALL. I mean, yes i kinda know whats e ending gonna be like.. But this is very unexpected. No triggering factor or etc. It totally came wout warning. And ofcourse, i find it hard to accept.

the M-I-A game. thats how it started. Calls / smses were in vain. the SUDDEN lost. Way too sudden. it hit me real hard. i was hurt emotionally. Deeply, extremely hurt that is. i dont understand why he had to take this drastic action. We already talked abt this. We already came to a mutual agreement that we will end this amicably, if its not working out. Definitely not in this manner or way. But he did not live up to his words. So now, im left to pick up ths pieces.

I refused to let it go just like that, so i demand to know / seek our status quo. Its very apparent that he's avoiding me. And i can sense that he's distancing himself from me. I just dun understand what or why make him do this. I mean, if he alr have some other back-ups or other sidelines, the changes are gradually over time isnt it?

After coming this far with him, during that one week, my instincts told me that his heart is no longer with me. And 90% of the time, my gut feeling is spot-on. When special pple close to ur heart hv a change of heart, trust me, u will know. U dont need him to prove it by his actions or etc. U just know. When that happens, it leaves u with no other options. U gotta let go. No doubt its gonna hurt like a total son of a bitch, but if i were to keep him with me, i will only hv him physically. And that is not good. Its not healthy. Im forcing.

So why make matters much more worst and hurtful for all of us.? It is already hurting now. Since i dont hv any say, i just hv to follow the flow. U noe the saying, let Nature takes its own course. This is what it is. It is god-damn INTENSELY very hard n painful for me. Then again, i dont hv much of a choice, do i? Its no longer a issue of fighting for what u want or who u love anymore. U are in a situation where whatever u say / do will be futile. u cannot do anything anymore, except to just, come to terms with it.

So after i sorta forced myself to resign to fate n accepting it slowly, the unexpected happen. he came back, had some mini explainations. I honest to god couldnt fathom out what he want. Told him that we gotta talk. i let it all out, told him what i felt, my decision, the conclusion after all this, told him what's my take n my stand on this. Suprisingly, he agreed n accede to my request. I find it very very unbelievable n shocking. But i told myself, this is all for the better. Sooner or later, we know it will end up like this. So its better now then later. i refused to bow down, cos i feel there's no triggering factor to this but i just gotta learn to take it in my stride.

Days passed but we still maintained contact. Still rang me up, talked abit. Exchanged smses n etc.. But we both knew, unlike other times in our previous arguments or near-separation, this time, this is for real. Me, being the emotional one cried n cried n cried non-stop for days. Every little thing brought tears to my eyes.

Even a slight sentence that he used to said to me or tell me is enuff to set my taps running. Just the usual ringtone will make me have tears running dwn my cheeks. Lost count of the num of times i broke down in front of fellow colleagues. Male fellow colleagues that i nvr opened up or shared anything with. Crying myself to sleep at nite. Typing msgs when i feel like smsin him but end up, saving it all in my drafts. i have no focus, no concentration at all. My work is greatly affected. i am enormously disturbed.

I totally lost it. But thats pretty normal for me, if u ask me or any other close ones. I dont deal w separation easily. I am never good at it. Instead, i only ace big-time in developing bonds competently. :)

Suprisingly much to my amazement, i get thru it. Ofcourse, Not totally just gone, POOF! like dat. i managed to deal with it, come to terms with it n learn to live with it. Countless & numerous days of sobbing / pining / hoping for him... after the "no-idea-which-day", i began to comply and acknowledge the harsh fact. If it used to be bawling daily, now its down to 3days once.. And that's a commendable improvement tau! In addition to the sadness n devastation that i felt, i still am very much hurt. Feeling redundant, its just that i chose to willingly with open heart live with it.

So since we are already in the post-separation stage, i decide to come clean n tell him every single thing that i knew. Everything that i hv been withholding n keeping from him since day one. Things which i alr knew all along, right frm the beginning. I dont wanna hold back anything , anymore. Afterall, i felt that things btwn us was already beyond hope, can no longer be salvage. So might as well i let it all out, get it over n done with. Rather then keeping mum n bottling it all inside, till forever he will never come to know abt this. This can also be considered as me taking preventive measures to avoid harbouring any possible regrets in the future. So thats killing 2 birds with one stone.!

Unexpectedly, AGAIN, much to my surprise...things took a major turn. I dunnoe if its for the better or for the worst. It seems to be able to go both ways.. i guess it depends on how u see it. Its a total far cry from what i expected or foresee.

Anws, im not gonna talk abt the forbidden ques or his confessions in this entry. I feel this is already long enuff to suffice. I gotta make my blog interesting n enticing, so that i will hv a constant pool of readers that keep coming back to carry on reading. Hahha!

They say, time will heal all wounds. No doubt abt that. But the scar will remain forever. It is already part of u. Everywhere u go, it will always be with u. And that serves as a warning, a reminder and a deterrent for the next one.
Somehow.. this time round, i have a very strong gut feeling that its gonna take longer then ever for this wound to heal up.

First thing first, my mobile LCD is cracked!
But thnk god, the screen is still ok. One can look n tell that it's crack. It's obvious like that. Fortunately, there's no defectsyet



Months had passed.. Several months infact.
Had battled and still battling over frequent quarrels / fights / arguments daily.
I braved thru multiple obstacles.
Hurricanes of hurdles, we had stormed thru
Overcoming countless difficulties.
Bucketfuls of tears, that we shed - or rather ME, most of the time.

Talks / conversations that we had debated.
Hurling multiple harsh damaging words / names / profanities to one another.
Numerous topics had we unraveled.
The dreadful topics, those much-avoided subject, we are over n done with.
We had and are exploring possibilities.

Contaminated psychological mind-games, we defeated.
We triumphed over poisonous pple who brainwashed us and infiltrate our mind with lethal virus.

Mistakes that we done, and may have overlooked.
Sacrifices we had made, be it big or small.
Giving in when it's called for - even involuntarily at times..

Forgiving when the need arises - eventhou it seems hard to close one eye.
Motivating when we need each other's back.
Relyin on one another when the occasion calls for it.

Jealousy that lead us to nothing productive.
Anger that we caused/target to each other.
Sadness that we bring about to each other.
Happiness that we shared/created.
Anxiety that we caused each party.
Care & concern which we showered one another.

My strong brick wall of barricade that u break through.
My fears and worries which u took away.
My doubts that u clarify.
My "tiredness" which u transform to something positive.

Fond memories, which i hold on dearly.
Sweet, silly small acts that touched me tenderly.
Adoring words that are affectionate to me.


All of this .. where does it led me / you ? Us...?
Will it have a destination ?
What is in store ? What is at e end of the tunnel ?
Will there be a light shining at the end ?
Where is the end ? When is the end ? What is the end ?

Is this all worthwhile ?
Worth to stick it thru e end ?



Sometimes, i find im contradicting myself.
I said A, but i want B.
I do C, but i want D.
I guess, i am uncertain of what i want.

Its either i dont understand myself, or i dont understand u.

Im lying if i said, im not tired of all this.
Honestly speaking, i am DEAD exhausted.
Truth be told, I wanna throw in the towel n give up.

Someone told me... i like to take the easy n shortest way out. I gv up easily.
I dont bother to tackle e problem n all other shits.

But he dont realize, he plays a major part of why im reacting like such.
He fails to see that he's partly to blame for the action im taking.
In some occasions, wout him realizing, he himself caused the decision im making.

i try my utmost best not to blame him.
Cause like any others, including me, no less.. we sometimes fail to look at ourselves first. Its a habit to point the blame to the opposite party.

And when i opt out, I dont give up bcos i lost my fighting spirit n strength, but rather its bcos sometimes i feel, there's no point to carry on. I CHOSE to give up, coz i feel there's no more meaning to it. So since it no longer matters anymore, why bother holding on ?

However, more often then not, something abt him/us makes me wanna keep on trying.
Makes me wanna push myself.. jolt myself to keep it going.

Time n again, u never fail to bring me back when i voiced out to let go.
And each time, u succeed in bringing me back n making me stay.


At the end of evrything, i can only blame myself.
I wanted this. I chose this.
So i gotta take e good n e bad.
I only hv myself to blame for my predicament.